Wednesday, March 4, 2015

T-Shirt Contest: All of the Entries!

Holy shit, you guys.  Well done.
I'll admit it, I definitely have a few favorites out of all of these, but because I want to be as diplomatic about this as possible, I want your help to pick the winner.  I will now post every single entry and you can cast your vote.  You can definitely vote more than once-- and I encourage this-- by picking your favorite caption for *each* photo.  Just don't pick one caption and then vote for it a million times because I will ignore your votes and then make fun of you for picking one caption a million times.  This isn't a government-regulated contest; I get to make my own rules and my rules state that I can be a douchebag.  Truth be told, I already have a winner in my mind (because let's remember, the contest was to see who could make *me* laugh the hardest), but I'm admittedly torn between an handful of these and that's where you all come in.
I've tried to label things in the easiest way possible.  1a, 1b, 1c, etc.  2a, 2b, 2c, etc.  When placing your vote, please, for the love of Cheese, vote using these labels.  I'm not a wizard.
As always, you may vote either in the comment section or by email.  Go to town, you magnificent people.

1a) Woman overcomes fetal alcohol syndrome, uses Oscar stage pass to impress then sleep with best boy grip named Scooter.

1b) "My necklace represents the 72 rattlesnakes I almost stepped on when I was on the PCT!"

1c) "My daughter is sort of a hair cutting expert."

1d)  Hope no notices this little twerp behind me hiked more than I did.

1e) "In thy foul throat thou liest" -- WS

1f) hope no one notices that the movie poster and book cover behind me shows rabbit brush blooming in the fall near Ridgecrest, but I was there in the spring.

2a) "Turtle goes out, turtle goes in.  Turtle goes out, turtle goes in."
2b) Reese: "Aww, look at da cute kitty!"
    Cheryl: "cow cow cow"
2c) Reese:  Fuck it, Cheryl, a rattlesnake!
    Cheryl: Okay, if you hold the head.
2d) Shit, I forgot I didn't want to wear this dress tonight... I'm totally planning on wearing it to the Golden Globes. Maybe nobody will notice me. Oh, my god, do you think they won't notice me? They *have* to notice me. Don't they? Maybe if this fucking bitch would stop hogging all the questions. C'mon... notice me. Notice me, guys. NOTICE ME!
2e) "I look amazing, as usual, and Poon shows up drunk in her pajamas. That bitch is ruining my life!"
(*Poon = Cheese's personal nickname for Reese WithersPOON that she claims outwardly is cute and quirky but knows full well that it's an offensive, petulant, jealous dig.)
2f) Got the mustard. Got the ketchup. Let's make a CHEESEburger!

3a) Reese: "wow"  Cheryl: "wow"  Reese: "wow"  Cheryl: "wow"
3b) Coming this summer: Pokeholes and Bareback, two unusual detectives who are also whores.
3c) Reese: Cheryl, are you touching my pudendum?  Cheryl: That's "PUDENDA".
3d) "Travel Oregon" -- one way or the other.
3f) Look... see.... if I stretch my smile out a little to the side like this, I have this totally adorable dimple like Jennifer Lawrence. She's so pretty and great and popular. Her dimple is totally fake, though. Mine's completely real. I hate Jennifer Lawrence.
4a) Cheryl: I love you SO much I could eat your bones right now.
    Reese: I had BETTER get a fucking Oscar for this shit.
4b) I'm glad you're not dead like my dead mom. Or her dead horse. Or your dead career.
4c) Seldom-Seen and Thought Of As Fictional, The One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Purple People-Eater Engulfs A Small Blonde Woman And Prepares To Devour Her Prey.
4d) Cheryl: Ouch!  What was that?  Reese: My soft, knowing dagger in your back...
4e) Midwestern farm girls shouldn't wear magenta.
4f) Thought bubble from Reese's cute little head: It's moments like this that I wish I had listened to my agent and auditioned for the part of Llama Boy.
4g) Cheryl makes a cameo in the profoundly dramatic "Bigfoot Rape" scene.
4h) This Valentine's Day, tell her just how much you're barely tolerating her by making it completely obvious how grossed out you are to touch her.
4i) Reese: "If this bitch ruins my hair on show night, I will CUT her!"
4j)  "Careful of my left breast. It's hangin' a little low tonight."
4k) Reese: For fuck's sake, lay off the Snapple and Doritos, it's not like you're an actual hiker. 
5a)  I disarmed these little land mines that I found in the middle of a coiled rattlesnake on the PCT.
5b) out of modesty, I don't show my perfect teeth in one out of ten photographs (two, if you want to be an asshole about it).
5c)  He just came in my mouth a little.
5d) I just heard that Califohioan was going to review the audiobook version of "Wild"
5e) (in an oozing, condescending tone) "'Califohioan?' Oh please. You clearly stole that from me. That one guy in the book that I describe completely vaguely so no one can ever figure out how who I claim to be hiking with gave me that nickname on mile 7,528 of the PCT because I am the only woman ever to conquer California and Ohio on the same day. You're such a poser."

6a) Is that a Snapple in your pocket???  Cuz I would totes bone you and drink that Snapple.
6b)  "Help me out, here. Which of these eyeliners make me look less ripped?"
6c) Oh, don't mind me... I just had my first whole beer I've ever drunk in my life just now backstage!
7a) One of these things is not like the other.  One of these things just doesn't belong.
7b) Cheryl: " I could totally eat the two of you up! No, seriously, I could polish off the both of you in like 15 minutes. I've done it before" 
8a) Cheryl: We're getting lucky tonight, Reesey-buddy!  These guys totally want us.  Reese: Whataya mean "we," Starved?
8b) Cheryl (to Reese): My neck gets sore like that, too, when I put too many bones in my mouth in one day. We'll just find a Swiss hippie girl to rub some oil on it and it will feel much better.
8c) Come on Reese, I finished the worthless book, you can finish the worthless movie.
8d) "Are we having fun yet?!"
8e) "Did you see that sound man I just banged on the break? His penis was so small but I just ate and ate and ate it!"
9a) Cheryl: I'm an EXPERT hiker and navigationalist! The exit is thattaway!!!   Reese: (in stage whisper) Stop embarrassing me you fat sow, it's over there!
9b) We were pointing and pointing and pointing...
9c) Cheryl: I fucked him & him & him. Oh, I gave him a BJ.  Reese: Him, too?
9d) Cheryl: I just shook George Clooney's hand with organic vaginal sponge juice all over my finger!
Reese: Kewl! So did I!
9e) Okay, on the count of three, which way is the PCT?
9f) We snowed you and you and you and you.....
9g) #9>, <#9  (I am baffled by this entry, but in fairness, I'm including it)

10a) Dazzleteeth ©®™ Cheryl's way of making sure people focus on her and not on how much taller, thinner and more attractive Laura Dern is than her.
10b) Dazzleteeth ©®™ If you smile enough, people will be blinded to your lies
10c) Cheryl: OMG this bitch is crazier than I am!  Laura: OMG this bitch is crazier than I am!  Dude in the background: Who fucking stole the condom out of my wallet?
10d) Cheryl: I loved your father in Nebraska.
Laura: Wasn't he great in that movie? He was nominated for an Academy Award.
Cheryl: What movie? I was just bragging that I fucked him last time I was in Omaha.
10e)  "The trees were tall, but Laura Dern was taller."
10f) Cheryl: Oh my skin looks so bad under these harsh lights! They'll see every bump and clogged pore!
Laura: Don't worry, the photographer will "Cheryl Strayed" the picture in Photoshop.
Victoria (Tori, the guest blogger), ignored the rules and left all of these comments in no particular order because FUCK, YEAH, TORI!  FUCK RULES!  I will now label them accordingly because hell yes, I will:
V1) Pic of Cheryl: "Yellow blazing since 1996"

V2) "Got abortion flakes?"

V3) "Got condoms?"

V4) Pic of Smokey the Bear: "only you can prevent hiking the $trayed way."

V5) A Photoshop of Cheryl waking up, ala Godfather, in a bed with a horse head.

V6) "Are you there, Bob? It's me, Cheryl."

V7) "Condoms? Check.
Abortion flakes? Check.
Profound stupidity? Check.
Hiking the $trayed way!"

V8) "cow. Cow. COW"

V9) "If a boot falls off a cliff on the PCT and no one was there hear it, does it make a best seller?"

V10) "You had me at Snapple"

V11) "Vote for Paco!"

V12) "I don't always do peyote, but when I do, it's in the back of a sketchy milk truck"

Dick" - use the first letter of each word

V14) "Hasty abortion? $200
Poorly fitted hiking boots? $129
PCT Guidebook? $19.99
Putting your fucktardary in print and on film? Priceless."

V15) "Cheryl $trayed: keeping it real since 199?...oh! Why start now?"

V16) "I don't always hike the PCT, but when I do, I don't."

V17) Pic of a small Fox. "Mom?"
Also, I will include an unofficial entry from a friend of mine who didn't want to join:
Unofficial) "I wanna join in, but I'm so bad at it!  All I can come up with is, 'I'm Cheryl and I'm real dumb.  Arrrgggg!'  I don't think I'll win."
Okay, everybody.  Those are your choices.  Help me out.


  1. Okay...1B, 2F, 3A and 3C, 4B, 5E, 6A, 7B, 8B, 9E, 10E. ANNND because Tori is awesome, V1, V4, V9, V11, V14, V16. Wow, that's still a lot of choices, this is hard!

  2. This is great! I'd pick & then change my mind kept changing and changing and changing. So, I stopped - took a break & decided to go with the first one I really liked on each & stick to it without looking back. Here goes:
    1a, 2a, 3f, 4k, 5e, 6c, 7b, 8a, 9e, 10c. Tori IS certainly awesome so here are those of her's I liked best: V1, V4, V5, V12, V14, V16.

    This was hard, but fun to read! Thanks for playing, everybody!

  3. 1. c
    2. c & f (tie)
    3. c
    4. a
    5. c
    6. a
    7. b
    8. c
    9. c & f (tie again)
    10. c
    V - 9, 14, 16

  4. LOL - this is really hard for me because I'm super-competitive and submitted like 1400 captions (admittedly I'm using Cheryl-math here), but these really made me laugh:


  5. In a blatant attempt to bribe the judges, here's a bonus haiku:

    I look at your face
    and it seems bloated with lies
    you fat truth-eater

    1. Mercer, if you don't win, maybe I'll have a t-shirt made for you that says "I lost and I lost and I lost."

    2. I just had to make up a reason for my co-workers why there was giggling coming from my office all of a sudden....

    3. Mercer, both you and Tori live like an hour away from me. We *need* to make lunch/dinner plans one of these days. It would be magnificent.

    4. Oh hell yeah! Just give me some lead time so I can get this ready for the party:

    5. Oh, god, please send that to Strayed. Please. I beg you.

    6. The T-shirt is perfect for our Cheryl, Mercer! Yes, please send it to her! Hahahaha!

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. I'm not going to read the comments until I vote.
    As for #9>,<#9, it was the 9th photo, so three #9s, (with the arrows indicating which person is saying which 9) in the manner of Cheryl using the boring literary device of saying thing three times for emphasis. 'Revolution 9' is the, some say, endlessly boring track at the end of the 'Beatles White Album'. Yeah, sorry.

  8. Hey Cali, have you read Colin Fletcher's The Thousand Mile Summer? I have been thinking about reading another book of his, and stumbled upon this one. It is about his journey through the length of CA, along the Colorado, through Death Valley and up into the Sierras. Just curious to see if you or anyone else has read it and how it compares to our glorious Ms. Strayed.

    1. I read most of Colin Fletcher's books many years ago. If I had to make a comparison I would say that after reading the first page of 'The Thousand Mile Summer', my first impression wasn't "He's lying."

    2. I like the fact that he hiked on his own self-reliance, WAY before the PCT existed, just going his own way. I've been thinking about reading his "The Man Who Walked Through Time." A few reviewers seem to think he tends to ramble on nonsensically in his books, but I am hoping that is not the case, because that reminds to much of our gal here.

    3. Colin Fletcher was the real deal. He may not be for everybody but there was no Hollywood, Oprah, publishing house hype about him. I had to laugh when a 'Goodreads' reviewer of 'The Man Who Walked Through Time' complained that he didn't even see any rattlesnakes!

  9. This comment has been removed by the author.