Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Stupid Fucking Movie, Part Five

I was having such a good day.  I mean it, such a good day.  I was up at 3:30, took a long shower, drove to the coast and spent a couple hours walking along the beach in the moonlight (if you've never watched the waves of the Pacific come crashing ashore in the moonlight, your life is missing something).  Then I got to experience a marvelous sunrise-- the sky turned pink and the waves became ice blue-- and it was peaceful and magnificent and I felt nothing but gratitude for the simple fact that I was alive.  I walked a few more hours as the world woke up and finished my walk before noon.

Such a good day.

Then I got home and remembered what I had to do today, and nothing can take a dump on a perfect day more than having to write about goddamned Cheryl Strayed and her stupid fucking movie.

 
 
 
 
 
I HATE THIS SO MUCH.
 
 
Goddamnit, where were we.  Cheese was throwing a big fit about that poster I like.  Right.  Then, M. Night Shyamalan apparently had a 5-second directorial guest spot because when Cheese walks out into the hallway, her mom is standing smack in the middle of it, all dead and stuff, and what the fuck is this about.
 
Don't think the flashbacks suddenly stopped in the previous twenty minutes of the film.  THEY CONTINUE.
 
(I think I forgot to mention that Cheryl Strayed's very own daughter plays Young Cheese in the movie.  She does.  My bad.)
 
OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH, CHRIST, random flashback to Cheese's childhood and without warning, her dad is threatening to give Young Cheese a knuckle sandwich and I'm so confused.  Back to the trail and Cheese whispers, "knuckle sandwich," and then flashback, Cheese's mom packs up the kids and leaves, trail again, flashback again, trail, flashback in which Cheese's mom returns to the house and Big Bad Dad is there making eggs and bacon for everyone and this movie is so awful.
 
THIS MOVIE IS SO AWFUL.
 
Back to the trail, and this time Cheese is attributing a Flannery O'Connor quote to herself, something about new shoes and I don't even care at this point.
 
FLASHBACK AGAIN, I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT, and Cheese is scattering her mother's ashes, and then stuffs some large chunks of her mom's bones into her mouth and I loudly exhale, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH," as Cheese munches on her mom's bones.  THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE BOOK.
 
Oh, god, heroin flashback time.
 
FUCK THIS MOVIE RIGHT IN THE FACE.  You know what?  I *love* bad movies.  Like, movies that are so bad that they're fucking wonderful.  If I had to review the movie "The Day After Tomorrow," I would be so excited to do so that I would call in sick to work just so I could do it because that movie is so magnificently horrible that it's unbelievably entertaining and I would love every minute of tearing it apart.  THIS MOVIE IS A STEAMING PILE OF CRAP CAIRN.  I hate this movie so much.  GODDAMNIT, SO MUCH.
 
Oh, fuck me, heroin time.
 
Cheese is with Joe and they're doing heroin and blah blah blah and then he finally injects heroin into Cheese's ankle as Cheese's voiceover says, "we were never gonna shoot it," and then suddenly Cheese is sitting on the street while some dude (Joe?) is dancing badly in front of her to the song "More more more (how do you like it)" and Cheese is all cracked out and out of it and fucking please.  I was rolling my eyes too violently to catch how suddenly some dude was putting a knife to her throat and stealing all of her bits of money, but I caught up just in time for Cheese to give him the finger as he walked away (Yeah! That'll learn 'im!) and BLAM back on the trail and she gives the finger to... I don't even know.
 
Flashback time again because of course, and Paul shows up to rescue Cheese from her big heroin disaster.  Since everything was so fucking stupid, let's just refer to my notes for what happened next:
 
"CAR FIGHT!"
"Paul is mad!" 

And that's that.  TRAIL TIME AGAIN!

Cheese is drinking water and she doesn't have much left (let's remember how the dude at the store warned her about water in the next stretch), but she drinks even more and then I STAB MYSELF IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY because she takes the remaining water in her bottle AND POURS IT ALL OVER HER HEAD AND OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, HOW STUPID CAN SOMEONE BE, OH MY GOD, DON'T MAKE ME DO IT, OH GOD, IT'S GONNA HAPPEN--

 
 
Too late.  That happened.
 
HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN YOU BE, I CAN'T EVEN BEGI--
 
Oh, fuck it.
 
Cheese reaches the next potential water source and of course it's empty.  Cheese flips through her guidebook and then she is suddenly lying in her tent and I don't know how any of this made any sense to anyone who saw the movie but neglected to read the book.  Fuck me, I READ THE BOOK AND GOD HELP ME, I HAVE IT MEMORIZED AT THIS POINT, and the movie still confuses me to no end.  I can't even imagine how confused non-readers must have felt.
 
Oh, jesus, I guess it's morning-time and Cheese is frantically licking the condensation off of her tent and pffffffffffft, nice touch, Hornsby. 
 
I guess it's Day 58 now and Cheese rubs some random shrubbery into her hands and inhales like an insane person and whatever, who cares, this adds nothing to anything.
 
OMG, SO THIRSTY, and suddenly a mucky puddle appears, so Cheese gets out her water purifier and pumps a bunch of sludge.  She pops in her iodine pills and the voiceover lets us know that it will take 30 minutes for the water to be safe and goddamnit, here come the rapey hunters.
 
I just literally smacked myself super hard in the face with both hands.  I regret doing this.  My face hurts as much as my brain does now.
 
Hunters are thirsty and Cheese tells them that she can give them water as long as it's filtered first and I can't even bother with how stupid this scene is, but she offers to pump them some water as long as they have something she can pump it into.  In the book, Rapey Hunters had Pepsi cans, but I guess Hornsby didn't feel as threatened by Pepsi-drinkers as Cheese did, so they have *beer* cans in the movie because that makes it rapey-er.  Also, Redhead Tall (who is not a redhead, nor is he noticeably tall in the movie) ALSO *SMOKES CIGARETTES* AND HOLY SHIT, YOU KNOW HE'S EVIL NOW.  Non-Redhead-Tall says, "How can we kill the time?" and Sandy says, "I can think of some ways," and I wonder what a doctor would say about me rolling my eyes so violently like this.  I don't feel like it's healthy.  Sandy says, "She's got a real nice figure, doesn't she?" and all I can think is CANKLES CANKLES CANKLES, YOU FUCKING WISH IT WERE REESE OUT THERE and I will see all of you in hell, if it exists.  I'll be the one trapped in a cage with Cheryl Strayed and a bunch of spiders.
 
Goddamnit, Rapey McRapersons finally pack up and leave when Cheese starts packing up and whew, that was close.  Cheese goes back and starts settling in for the night and then BLAM Sandy returns to say things like, "You tricked us," and "I like your pants," and "they look good on you," and "they show off your hips and legs," and "tight little ass," and are you fucking kidding me, no one talks like this, especially about Cheryl "Cankles" Strayed and fuck this stupid bullshit.
 
Non-Redhead-Tall shouts out from the woods and Little-Guy Sandy finally leaves, but Cheese goes Full Cheese and *runs* through the wilderness with her 80-pound pack and, pfffffffft, I'm done for today.



21 comments:

  1. If there is not a rapey caterpillar in this movie, I'm going to be so disappointed. (Because I apparently am not disappointed enough in humanity by their fawning over this book/movie).

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    1. You mean *another* rapey caterpillar? Jesus, Alison, how many do you need in one movie?

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    2. Oh damn, did I miss the rapey caterpillar in the movie review? Dang it. Guess I'll have to go back and reread them. Shucks.

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    3. Alison, I think maybe we need to explore how much you've been drinking as you've been reading this blog. There is no rapey caterpillar in the book, just in the movie. I can't even begin to imagine how Cheryl would have written that sort of thing out.

      But let me try, anyway, since it's my job.

      "Shattered by my fear, I stood, frozen like something you'd find in a freezer, as the caterpillar looked over my hot, exquisite body.

      "'I like your wife-beater,' it said to me, 'or *tank top*, if that's what it's called.'"

      "I willed myself not to be afraid, but I failed and failed and failed. I was profoundly scared. I thought of my mother, as I always did whenever I felt uncomfortable around a suspicious caterpillar, and remembered how, dying in her hospital bed, she had told me I was a winner. I hadn't really paid much attention at the time because there was a penis in the room and I was staring at it, but now, suddenly, her words struck home. I *was* a winner. A hard-ass, motherfucking Spartan winner, and this caterpillar had nothing on me."


      That probably wasn't dumb enough.

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    4. Sounds pretty accurate, actually.

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    5. Ok just reread all the movie review posts and laughed as hard as I did the first time at her Taking Back The Night against the rapey caterpillar. In fairness, all of Cheese's dribble has started running together in my mind like a really bad drug-addled flashback and since I haven't seen the movie 72 times like you have, it's hard to keep her insanity straight. Do atheists have saints? If so, how do I nominate you? Making it through this blog without killing yourself (or one of us, or Cheese) must be worth at least three miracles.

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    6. I'm... pretty sure we don't have saints, but I would be honored to be named the first (especially upon your nomination). Please fill in the blank:

      "Saint Califohioan, the patron saint of____________________"

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    7. The patron saint of sanity.

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    8. Are you sure "insanity" wouldn't be more apt?

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    9. Have to admit, it was a toss up.

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  2. This was the worst part of the movie for me. And, sorry for my absense, but because of Strayed's fucking nonsense, I had to respond to three search and rescue calls out near Agua Dulce and North in the last ten days...people see this piece of shit movie and think they, too, can act like an irresponsible ass monkey and hike into the WILD unprepared cuz' Cheryl did. I swear someone should bill her.

    Anyway, the scene with the hunter-rapers was so poorly filmed. There's a point where the dialogue is so fucking cheesy that you just want to clobber someone over the head. Here's the 411- rapists don't talk about raping you, they just fucking do it. Standing there talking about the victims sweet assets only happens in lifetime movies and Strayed novels. We're supposed to view these guys as a threat because, after throwing her nappy dugout at everyone for six hundred miles and carrying condoms on a hike and describing every male hiker in the same, sexually graphic way that these men allegedly describe Cheryl, she suddenly feels threatened? Let's play a game. Guess who said the following lines in the movie or book.
    1. "Fuck. I wanted him/her."
    2. ""I eyed the bulge in his pants and felt a familiar wetness."
    3. "Condoms were necessary."
    4. "The fabric hugged him/her in all the right places."
    5. "I wanted to be ravaged."
    If you guessed that these were things the rapey hunters said, you're wrong. Those words and images came from Cheryl. A woman who objectified and sexualized every God damn man on the trail, but balks as the guys who carry Pepsi and ask for water. She got into no less than three vehicles with drunk or stoned people and laid down with two of them, but whoa, whoa...The allegedly thirsty hunters ask for water and she loses her mind? She is the worst judge of character ever.


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    1. I do, too! That was perfect, Tori!

      I am so sorry about you having to do the search & rescue. This is probably going to be a busy as hell year for you and the other rescuers.

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  3. "...stealing all her bits of money..." OMFG!

    I also loved Tori's use of "nappy dugout!" I havent heard that since the 90's when I was listening to Ice Cube.

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    1. That's cuz I'm gangsta'! Straight outta' Simi Valley... werd.

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  4. Your clear and beautiful description of moonlight and sunrise at the coast brought me back to camping on the bluffs of Encinitas, and night-body-surfing at Seal Beach in the 60s. Thanks. (Now I live five miles from where CS didn't see the fox, and will be wandering around up there later today.)

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  5. The Washington Post did an article on Cheryl. Ugh.

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    1. I'm guessing I should assume that the article was not about what a big fucking liar she is.

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  6. Your review is hilarious, as usual, Erin! I feel a twinge of guilt, though, because I know you are truly suffering. I do hope your eyeball rolls ("I was rolling my eyes too violently"...OMG, I can't stop laughing!) do not cause permanent damage. I've realized that in addition to Cheryl being a sociopath, Hornsby must be schizophrenic...and "M. Night Shyamalan apparently had a 5-second directorial guest spot"...pure brilliance, Erin! Thanks for replaying the "taking back the night / rapey caterpillar part. This is so funny! Do you ever listen to "The Moth"? I just had a thought...you would kill with this story!

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  7. One other thing, I loved the description of your morning run. I have never had the pleasure of seeing the waves of the Pacific, crashing in the moonlight...even when I was in Hawaii. It sounds so wonderful! I am so happy you had that memory to sustain you and give you strength as you waded through Cheese's muck.

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  8. I just read the Washington Post interview. Gushing, stupid & sickening. I had to throw up and then gargle with Listerine. I did notice, no comments underneath, so far. I was going to write something and then thought, no. Hopefully, this will be ignored...crickets...would be enough of an insult.

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