Tuesday, March 17, 2015

The Dumb Fucking Movie Reveiw, Part Six

Ugh. 

I've been sick for the past four days and reviewing this stupid fucking movie is pretty much the last thing I feel like doing, but I'm going stir crazy and I need something to take my mind off of how shitty I feel.  Be advised, I've been living off of nothing but tea, juice, Nyquil and popsicles for the past few days and I think my brain is starting to shut down.  Watching this movie for the 87th time might just finish the job. 

This might kill me.  Hope you're all enjoying yourselves.

Okay.  I'm gonna go watch this piece of shit YET AGAIN.  If I survive, you'll have Part Six to enjoy.


********************************
 
 
WELL, AREN'T YOU ALL JUST THE LUCKIEST, LOOK WHO'S STILL ALIVE.  I'm starting to suspect that I might be invincible (and yet, oddly, still susceptible to colds) because a mere mortal would have died a thousand deaths by now from attempting this.  I AM YOUR GOD NOW.
 
I really shouldn't be trying to do this in my current state.
 
Let's get started.
 
Where were we.  Ah, yes, Cheese was running away from the rapey hunters, and upon watching the tail end of that scene again, I notice there's a goddamned bear in the background as she's running away because why not.  Fine.  Whatever.  Suddenly it's morning time...?  Was she running all night?  I don't care.  It's early morning and it's super foggy and it's now Day 62 of Cheese's hike.  Cheese reaches the Oregon border, attributes a Robert Frost quote to herself-- "But I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep" (dated August 8, 1995)-- and encounters a field of grazing cattle.  She walks through the field, approaches a cow and says in a sing-song voice, "Hello, Oregon cow!" and I fight the urge to throw my laptop out the window. 
 
She's suddenly walking down the middle of a road-- and when I say "down the middle," I mean right smack down the goddamned middle of a road, like, directly on the double yellow lines-- and this had prompted me to scrawl, "THAT'S NOT HOW ROADS WORK," in my notes.  She's in Ashland now and Jerry Garcia is dead.  I have a couple problems with this.  First of all, Jerry Garcia died on August NINTH, 1995, not the eighth, and let's give everyone the benefit of the doubt here what the fuck, IS IT REALLY SO FUCKING HARD TO DO A LITTLE FACT CHECKING?  GOOGLE.  IT'S A THING.  This was either a lack of fact checking or a matter of terrible editing.  Did they skip a scene or something?  Either way, this movie blows.  Anyway, it's whatever fucking day it is on her fake hike and Jerry Garcia is dead.  Even if they just messed up on the date, I should point out that Jerry Garcia died at 4:23am on August 9th, and yet somehow every dirty, stinking hippie within 3,000 miles has managed to converge on Ashland by like 9am to have a bunch of love-ins on the street and pfffffffffft, I'm pretty sure in reality, not one of these yahoos would have even crawled out of bed that early even for some wake-and-bake, but okay, whatever.  We all know what early-risers Deadheads are.
 
Cheese walks through town, stops at a produce stand, smells some fruit and manages not to steal anything.  Then she goes into a store called "Moon Rising Gifts and Cosmetics" to abuse their make-up sample selection and even I'm confused because really, Cheese?  The make-up saleslady comes over just as Cheese is smearing some lipstick on herself and says, "That shade looks nice on you!"  Then she vomits in her mouth a little, steps back and says, "The nicest lipstick in the world can't help a girl if she doesn't take care of her personal hygiene," and Cheese is all Imma-get-right-on-that, and saleslady says, "I think it really needs to be a priority, sweetie."  Oh, bullshit.  Your job is to sell lipstick, asshole, not tell your customers that they stink.  I don't believe this scene for a minute.
 
Cheese leaves the store with a Snapple and I wonder what kind of make-up store sells Snapple.  She stands on the sidewalk drinking her stupid lemonade and a dude handing out fliers sees her.  He's handing out fliers for a Jerry Garcia tribute concert and I once again marvel at the fact that Jerry Garcia has only been dead for like five hours at this point, yet BLAM.  Fliers.  Whatever.  Don't care.  Flier Guy comes over and we're given the cinematic gift of some classic, timeless dialogue:
 
Flier Guy:  "Hey."
Cheese:  "Hey."

Flier Guy gives Cheese a flier for the concert, and even though he's been randomly handing these out to goddamned everyone, he asks for Cheese's name so he can "put her on the list," and eat a bag of dicks.  This is so stupid.  Cheese is all shy, and here comes some more of that beautiful dialogue:

Flier Guy:  "I don't bite."
Cheese:  "I don't mind biting."

I'm just confused because Flier Guy isn't wearing a Wilco t-shirt.  How are we supposed to know why Cheese likes him?

Suddenly Cheese is standing in front of a mirror in a hotel in Ashland.  She's wearing only a black bra and panties and she's shaving her legs... in the sink?  What the fuck, seriously.  This is like how she washed her hair in the bathtub back in the motel in Mojave without, you know, getting into the shower.  DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SHOWERS WORK?  DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT YOU CAN DO ALL SORTS OF THINGS *WHILE* YOU'RE IN THE SHOWER?  LIKE WASH YOUR HAIR AND SHAVE YOUR LEGS?  I write in my notes, "Does she understand how a toilet works?  Does she take a crap next to the toilet and then cover it with a towel?"

Oh, christ.  Anyway.  She goes back to the makeup shop to put on more lipstick (my notes read, "Straight off the sample tube.  Hello, herpes") and then there's a shot of her unhinging her jaw to stuff a giant hamburger into her mouth (notes: "glad you put that lipstick on").  She heads over to the club and it's totes awesome and stuff.  Flier Guy shows up in the crowd out of nowhere (still not wearing a Wilco t-shirt) with a glass of wine and Cheese gets all swoony over him because of course she does.

Without warning, they're driving in Flier Guy's car and they're both laughing and oh my, how wonderful.  They show up at his... tent... and then it's time to get undressed.  Cheese is all covered in bruises and Flier Guy goes Full Lancelot and starts kissing her bruises and then SEXY TIME.

Paul flashback, and then Cheese is writing Paul's name in the sand outside of Flier Guy's tent, then she's wiping it away and we have to suffer through a voiceover of the letter Cheese has written to Paul.

"I woke up this morning and wrote your name in the sand.  I've done that on every beach I've been on ever since I met you, but I'm not gonna do it again."

Who gives a shit.

Then there's a shot of her setting the letter to Paul on fire and I wonder how painful it would be if I set myself on fire.

Back on the trail!  RAIN!  Oh my goodness, so much of it!  It's like that driving, drizzling rain she talked about it the book!  She reaches a Ranger Station and the Ranger is locking up and getting into his truck.  Cheese is all, boo-hoo, look at poor little ol' me, wontcha please open back up so I can get my package, and Ranger Creepy says, "Okay, if you'll have a drink with me later," and I'm pretty sure that's not how Rangers work.

Upon entering the station, Ranger Creepy gets her package and says, "Here you go, good-lookin'," because of course he does.  Then he attempts to sweep her off her feet by explaining his mixology expertise and this explanation includes the words "punch" and "bucket" so, whoa, watch out, Tom Cruise, looks like someone else is gonna take your role in the sequel to "Cocktail."  Just as this is happening, THE THREE YOUNG BUCKS SHOW UP, OMG, and if you hadn't read the book, none of this would make any sense! 

They stumble into the station from the driving, drizzling rain and immediately start worshipping Cheese--

"You're our hero!"

-- and this is when I write "FUCK OFF" about ten times all over my notes.  The TYB have packages, too, and Ranger Creepy throws a little tantrum about how the station is closed and NO, I'M NOT GONNA GET YOUR PACKAGES, so Cheese is all, awww-c'mon-wontcha?  So they get their packages and walk outside and there's a random horse standing in the middle of the rain and fuck this movie.

Cheese and the TYB all camp together for the night and two bottles of Jack Daniels appear.  I suppress some vomit just at the thought and then they all start drinking the hell out of it.  There's a super dumb conversation and I'm not gonna waste my time recounting it.  Luckily, it starts raining again that that puts a stop to the conversation.  And now it's time for another episode of "Let's See How Many Epileptics We Can Fuck With," brought to you by the producers of this piece of shit movie.

Brace yourselves for a crap-ton of flashbacks.

Cheese is in her tent.

Horse noises!

Reading poetry in the tent.

Mom!  Mom's Horse!

Tent!

Horse!

Tent!

Mom in the hospital!

Horse!

Mom!

Leif pointing a gun at Mom's horse!

Blood dripping on the roof of the tent!

Gunshot!

Cheese barfs outside the tent!

Horse!

Barf!


WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL OF THAT.

Uuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhh, it's the next morning and Cheese calls Leif and pffffft, no she doesn't, but okay.  She goes back to the campsite.  As she's sitting with the TYB, Ranger Creepy shows up.

"Hey, good-lookin', brought you some coffee and a donut,"

and really?  He shows up with coffee and a donut just for Cheese, but brings nothing for anyone else?  Okay, sure, that sounds realistic.  Before he leaves, he tells her to "come by for a refill" before she leaves and I HATE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH.

It's at this point when one of the TYB asks, "You got a trail name?"  Cheese is all what's-that, and then GODFUCKINGDAMNIT she is given her official trail name:  "The Queen on the PCT."

My notes read, "STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID, GODDAMNIT, STOP PLAYING SIMON AND GARFUNKEL SONGS."

And that's all I can deal with today.

11 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. There's no way the trail name was bestowed in that fashion.
    Also, there's no way that interlude with the ranger happened at that section of the trail, if at all. First, I'm not saying rangers are perfect, but rangers aren't just waiting for female hikers to fuck...they work. Second, it's been said, by other hikers, that that station was staffed by two females in the summer of 95. You might ask how I would know? Let's just say, the allegations of this rangers conduct made a few people check the veracity of Mrs. Strayed's narrative. Drinking on the job, especially while carrying a side arm and driving a government vehicle, is frowned upon, as is hitting on a female hiker and attempting to booze her into submission. Then, there's the issue of allegedly allowing a chick to get their stuff, but not the young men. Those are both breaches of conduct. The Rangers at that station were working 4/40s (four, ten hour days straight) while living on site. Ugh....never mind. This whole book and movie are fictional, why ask why.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Cheryl's husband has revealed himself!

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2857720/The-real-hero-Reese-Witherspoon-s-new-movie-Wild-cheating-wife-inspired-star-s-comeback-saved-brink-heroin-addiction-husband-refused-her.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice to see that Cheryl has stayed true to form ~ she didn't bother to inform him about the book and he got NOTHING from her, not even an invitation to the the premier! Looks like his life has turned out well, though. I'm happy about that. Nice to see all those negative comments about Cheryl, the book & the movie, too. I'm waiting for Cheryl's karma....

      Delete
    2. I notice that her ex-husband's story of how he found out she was cheating on him differs substantially from what Strayed wrote in her Sun Magazine article.

      Delete
    3. Things that make you go "WTF??" I thought Reese was the one who was all gung-ho about participating/ producing this movie??

      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2859479/Reese-Witherspoon-opens-struggle-portraying-gritty-character-Wild.html

      Delete
  4. favorite comment on the above DM article: //CarlyBabes, Port Charles, US - I read the book, and she came across as annoying, self-absorbed and vulgar.//

    ReplyDelete
  5. suddenly, I feel like shaving...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ummm...Cali... I will blame this on not being in your right mind due to illness and having to review this movie but I am shocked and shocked and shocked you left out the best line of this entire fiasco..."I don't go for refills; refills come to me!"

    or something like that.

    ReplyDelete