Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Important News

Beloved readers,

If you've been following this blog from the start, you know that I only have one review left to write on the dumb fucking movie and then that will be the end of all my snark.  This knowledge makes you sad.  In fact, for some of you, this is downright devastating.  I realized today that this makes me sad, too.

After much thought, I've made what will probably end up being a very stupid decision.


I'm going to read and review "Tiny Beautiful Things," also by Cheryl Strayed.


Before I tell you what that big bag of bullshit is about, I will allow all of you a long moment to squeal with delight, fist-pump, dance around the room, throw some confetti and high-five the nearest person.

Go ahead.  I know you're doing it.  I'll wait.

 
 
 
 
 
God, it's like I have a death wish.
 
Cheryl Strayed had been *an advice columnist* for years before she... that's all I really need to say, isn't it.  This stupid book is a collection of all the advice she's given over the years and it's just as horrifically terrible as you imagine.  No matter what question the "reader" is asking (and I put "reader" in quotes because it has been widely speculated that Cheryl made up the questions herself), Cheryl responds by oversharing and making the whole thing about herself.  It's awful.  A reader could write in and ask, "My favorite ice-cream is chocolate!  What's yours?"  And Cheryl would respond with something like, "I WAS GANG-RAPED BY THREE DOZEN PANDAS WHEN I WAS 4 YEARS OLD..."  and then maybe, several agonizing pages later, she might conclude with, "...and that's why I like strawberry."
 
It's going to be awesome.  For you.
 
I might eventually commit suicide.
 
 
In conclusion, you may now look forward to something.  The fun isn't ending.  We're gonna keep this alive.
 
 
Hugs and kisses (and fuck Cheryl Strayed),
Califohioan
 
 


39 comments:

  1. YES!!!

    Oh I cant wait. I've combed through her Sugar posts and have many bits of thoughts and comments.

    As you read through her "advice," pay attention to all the times she could easily have mentioned her "life changing hike," but didn't.

    This is the best news EVAH!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't wait for your bits.

      And don't take that all Cheryl. Not those bits.

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    2. Oh no worries, my bits belong to my dream girl Cheryl. I'm stockpiling Snapple and condoms in the hopes she'll Wilco me over the summer.




      ugh...the lengths I'll go to for a joke...I feel dirty....

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  2. You're my Queen of Snark. Love that word. Snark.

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    Replies
    1. Sue, I love that you've been reading on the DL this whole time.

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  3. I had been dreading the end, so this is fantastic news. For us. Not so much for you, but I appreciate your willingness to fall on the sword for us. We love you.

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  4. YAY!!! You've made my day AGAIN! This seems to be a trend. In return, I hereby vow to laugh out loud at every single entry you make on the review of this new hunk of doggie doo, so that, in at least some tiny way, it makes it worth your perpetual sturggle against self-immolation.

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    Replies
    1. Clearly, it's my goal in life to make your day. So glad to know I've succeeded once again. *high-fives self*

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    2. Yussssssss!!!!! Fist pump!

      True love in action.

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    3. You and Alison will have to fight over me. I should point out that you're already married, so... Alison: 1. Good Cheryl: zero.

      Yeah. That just happened.

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  5. This IS the best news! I've not read any of her other books so the fun continues! I read part of the Sugar column once & can't remember what it was about....aside from her own self.

    Thank you, Erin.

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    Replies
    1. My pleasure, Cindi. Just knowing that I can bring laughter into all of your lives by doing something that makes me want to kill myself makes it all worth it.

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  6. Cali, I love your writing, but I love *you* more. I'm not sure you should take on this new project, at least not without a palate cleanser of another author, someone who can actually write. You don't have to blog about the good writing, just reassure me you will read some, okay?

    Cheryl's body of work will always be there to snark on, and god help us all, she is going to add to it. So you must pace yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pink, you're a doll. You're the only person so far who has taken my mental stability into consideration. I promise, I'll be careful not to push myself over the edge (assuming it's not too late already).

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  7. Cal, I actually laughed out loud when I read this...Awesome.

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    Replies
    1. Bubba, welcome to the mix. It's fun here. Glad to have you along for the ride.

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  8. I checked out her Sugar articles today and absolutely cannot get past her use of "sweet pea" and "darling"...blech! Can she get any more condescending???

    Good luck with destroying the content of her articles, I couldn't even get that far!!

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    Replies
    1. Lauren, yes, I'd be willing to bet anything that she *can* get more condescending.

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  9. So, in other words, you'd like us to send you Snapple bottles full of wine?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd like you to send me wine bottles full of moonshine.

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    2. Where I live, that *is* possible... :)

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  10. Maybe we should give our own advice. Maybe I will start an anti-sugar blog. Lol. I'll call it, "dear spice". Who dares me?

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    Replies
    1. I DARE YOU! Just remember, Cheryl calls her readers "Sweet peas," so you have to call your readers "assholes" or "fucktards."

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    2. That would be the best!
      Also be sure to point out that any experience the questioner has had, you've had one WAY more epic and dramatic. Let me know if you need any feeder questions :)

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    3. Tori, I'm gonna be *so* all over this. I love you.

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    4. I will link and link and link your blog to mine.

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  11. My 76 year old mother lives in a retirement community in Arizona, I was talking to her yesterday and I mentioned my plans to hike some of the PCT in WA this summer. My mother says "Watch out, there will be a lot of crazies out hiking this year because of that movie." "Do you mean Wild? Did you see it?" I asked. Mom's reply "No, but some of my friends did and they said she is an idiot and a liar and the movie is crap." I'm picturing a bunch of old farts, sitting around the clubhouse, playing shuffleboard and discussing what a crap cairn Cheryl Strayed is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! You should direct them to this blog. Can you imagine? A bunch of old biddies sitting around the clubhouse, sneaking nips of booze, reading my blog aloud and cackling gleefully. It'd be just like "Cocoon," except with fewer aliens and a lot more swearing. Old people are the best.

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  12. I'm an ol' biddy, and I *did* cackle gleefully, repeatedly, for the last three days...

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  13. Sigh. I said I'd follow you anywhere so I guess I'll have to buy the book. No way am I missing out on your blog.

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  14. Sigh. I said I'd follow you anywhere so I guess I'll have to buy the book. No way am I missing out on your blog.

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  15. laughter is the only medicine that can ameliorate the dangers of the soft knowing dagger, the soft voice, and the soft outline of... oh, never mind... FUCK IT! just... pass me some morphine!

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  16. I have, over the past three or four days, read every single post and comment thus far. Why did it take that long? Well, I work. If it weren't for that, I'm positive I would have neglected my children in order to read this for 24 hours straight.

    I love your commentary to bits (and bits and bits). As someone who has never hiked solo (or hiked at all) I was anticipating this book being along the lines of A Walk In The Woods. Obviously I was horribly disappointed. I'm not sure what was the first tip off that this was fake. It's a toss up between the heroin addict suddenly being able to hike after shooting up or the plastic bags of shit she hadn't even bothered to pack. I mean, come on. Who the fuck actually does that?! I go camping regularly (as in, portaging/canoing to a campsite, not chilling in a camper) and even with those skills, I wouldn't attempt this monster of a hike. If I could sum up how I felt during every other paragraph it would be this: guhblarghablargablurg. That noise, combined with the head exploding gif.

    Now. After all that has been said, I'm glad to hear that you're going to be continuing on with another POS book by this special cat. I'm a little pissed that I now have to read this book though...so thank you for that.

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    Replies
    1. Trish. Don't read this book. If you need help neglecting your children, just email me and I'll entertain you personally. You're not going to be able to make it through Tiny Beautiful Things. *Spoiler* I couldn't even make it through. Don't do it. You'll hate yourself for trying.

      xoxo,
      Cali

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