Monday, February 23, 2015

The Stupid Fucking Movie Review, Because Apparently You Guys Want Me to Kill Myself: Part Three

I fucking hate this.  This move is SO STUPID and that's why I haven't posted in a few days.  I just can't deal with starting this movie from the beginning every goddamned time I go to review the next part and having to watch it over and over (which I have to do for reasons I won't openly explain in this blog for legal purposes because fuck Cheryl Strayed) and it's slowly killing me.  I'll be honest with you-- wine isn't even cutting it anymore; I've switched to tequila to numb the pain and I haven't touched tequila in over a decade, ever since I was in Germany and I... you know what?  THAT story is infinitely more entertaining than this entire dumb fucking movie and book combined.  My friends have entitled that tale "The Bird Story" and it might be one of the funniest stories you will ever hear (or so I've been told by every person who has ever heard it).  It is also, unfortunately, a true story.  Maybe I'll post it as a Bonus Segment despite the fact that it has nothing to do with Cheryl and her big bag of bullshit.  WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT TOGETHER, READERS.  We're close now.  I can share.  I'll just end the post with "...and fuck Cheryl!" and we can all pretend it was relevant.

But not today.  Maybe tomorrow, because I'm gonna need a break after this.

GODDAMNIT, HERE WE GO.  Tequila, don't fail me now.


Okay.  So, Cheese is attempting to navigate through some kind of 127-Hours-type rock formation and god bless Hollywood and their camera tricks.  It genuinely appears as if Cheese is gonna have to jump down like 20 feet off of a rock and then I guess the camera trick guy took a smoke break or something because when Cheese throws Monster down to the ground, OOPS, it's like a foot down.  Nice try, everybody, but you failed.  I hate this movie so much.

Cheese manages not to break her spine in the 1-foot jump down off the rock and whew, I'm just as relieved as you are.  That was close.

To further illustrate how fucking hardcore this trek was, Cheese crosses a tiny creek and OMG, SHE NAILS IT.  It's more like a really long puddle with a breeze blowing through it, but Cheese makes it seem super intense despite the fact that any normal person probably could've taken a good leap and DONE, but this is Cheese, so let's be dramatic.  She crushes it.  I'm so impressed.

She reaches Kennedy meadows and this is when Nick Hornsby takes some more dramatic license because none of this happened in the book (or in reality, for that matter).  Greg and a random group of men are waiting for her at Kennedy Meadows and when she walks up, they all applaud because of course they do.  Greg introduces her to all the random people and also introduces Monster-- because in the movie, Greg comes up with the name Monster.  He immediately insists on buying Cheese a goddamned Snapple lemonade and a bag of chips and I have another one of those eye-roll-induced strokes.  I recover just in time for everyone to be super impressed with Cheese and then I have another stroke and it's amazing I'm still alive at this point.

She gets her resupply package and I'm pleased to see that the $20 bill is accurate for the time period (which cannot be said of "Dallas Buyers Club," but then again, maybe it was "American Hustle;" I don't remember and I don't care at this point).  Anyway, Cheese also receives a letter from Paul and no she didn't (according to the totally true book) but sure, whatever, and Paul tells her how proud he is of her for doing what she's doing except oh, wait, not quite because she's done "almost nothing at all" at this point and he'll be proud of her when she finishes and I vomit all over myself.  Now that I've wiped myself off, I should also point out that Michener's The Novel is also included in her resupply box and NOPE, WE ALL KNOW CHERYL WOULDN'T HAVE SENT THAT TO HERSELF, but fuck everything!  Way to go, Hornsby!  Hate this...so much...

Cheese sponges off by a creek and then Trail Angel Ed shows up and tells her to come eat.  He's totally impressed with her because of course he is-- "I'm not a hiker like you"-- and then another thing happens that doesn't match with the book.  We all remember that Mr. Eagle Scout Albert was the one who emptied Cheryl's pack in the book.  Well, fuck that noise!  Ed's gonna do it in the movie!  He empties exactly four things from Cheese's pack: binoculars, saw, half of her guidebook and the condoms (but only 11 because Cheese keeps one).  Well, fuck me, I bet THAT certainly lightened the load!  She'll be flying from here on out, for sure!  Ed tries to get rid of some of her bookmobile and Cheese says, "These will never be burned," because fuck this movie, and when Ed holds up a disposable razor, Cheese says, "Never."  I can't even.

Ed then tells Cheese about her boots and REI and none of this is accurate as far as the book is concerned and I start twitching because I (unfortunately) have the whole goddamn book pretty much memorized at this point and I don't appreciate the Hollywood dramatic license because it confuses me and makes me uncomfortable.  Anyway, fuck you, me!  This is the movie!  Cheese calls REI and tells the operator that REI is her "favorite company forever and ever," and that is a direct quote.  I'M SORRY YOU'RE CONNECTED TO THIS MOVIE, REI. 

We suddenly have suffer through another one of her goddamned flashbacks about the stupid Michener book-- the one where she tells her mom how she's so much more sophisticated than her mom was at her age.  Her mom pretends to be not offended and Young Cheese says, "Why do you put up with my crap?"  Her mom responds to this question by saying, "You look so pretty in that dress," and this is when I slam my face into a doorknob.

"I'm an asshole!" --Cheese
"You're so pretty!" -- Cheese's mom

I HATE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH.

Back to the trail and Greg is there and he suggests that they bypass everything because OMG SO MUCH SNOW, and Cheese actually says the words, "I didn't come out here to ride buses," and SWEET DEATH, WHERE ARE YOU?  I'M WAITING.

Mom flashback: hospital, can't ride her horse, Leif runs away, Cheese cries in the bathroom and who fucking cares.

Back to the trail bus and where is Greg?  Real life Greg only confirmed the bus ride and where is he?  And where is Casino Bathroom Lady?  What happened to all the super awesome things from the book???

WHO CARES!

Holy fuck, it's Day 25, Cheese is trying to hitchhike and here comes Black Jimmy Carter.  Wait, what?  Jimmy Carter wasn't black in the book (nor was he black in the supposedly totally true article in Vanity Fair), but fuck, there aren't any black people in the movie (other than the mention of O.J. Simpson on the radio/television at Front Desk Lady's motel) and WE NEED A BLACK PERSON TO FULFILL OUR "WE'RE NOT RACIST" QUOTA so BLAM, Jimmy Carter is suddenly black.  Jimmy pulls over and Cheese is ready to jump right in when Jimmy tells her that he doesn't have room in his car to give her a ride and Cheese gets all bent and spits out, "What do you mean?" because she's Cheese and what the hell right does this black person have to deny her a ride.  Seriously.  That's how the scene reads.  They have their ridiculous conversation where Cheese explains how women are too oppressed to be hobos and says, "This is my life; this is not a hobo life," and I start to wonder how many strokes I can suffer before I cause irreparable damage.  Jimmy snaps a photo of Cheese, tells her that her story will be in the fall issue of the Hobo Times and then tells her about how his articles have been published by Harper's.  He starts to explain what Harper's is and Cheese goes Full Asshole:  "I know what Harper's is.  I want to write for Harper's someday; I don't really feel like being their centerfold bum of the month," and this makes me think that Cheese has not, in fact, heard of Harper's because I have never seen them publish a monthly Bum Centerfold, even though that sounds super sexy/intellectual.  Rawr/3.14159265359.  Yeah, say it in your sexy voice.  *Now tell me the Pythagorean theorem, yeah, tell me, do it, louder, louder, just like that, yes...*

Aaaaaaand, look at what's happening, I think I've had enough tequila.

Cheese gets picked up by Lou and Spider and everybody says "motherfucker" and I can't deal with this anymore.

Cheese is hiking again and absolutely murders a Simon and Garfunkel song with her own stupid lyrics.  I can't.  I just can't.  It's just as dumb as you imagine, except 100 times dumber.

Sudden flashback to her mom and Lady, and her mom says, "Please try to do the kindest thing," and that's the end of that because nothing in this movie makes sense.


Oh my fucking god, that's the third twenty minutes.  We're an hour into the movie now and I don't know if I can go on.

16 comments:

  1. Wow. As bad as the book is, this movie seems even more dreadful.

    Regardless of the merits of her performance, Reese's Oscar hopes were certainly greatly hindered by the fact that she was in a movie that was a total piece of crap. That's what you get when you hitch your wagon to a crazy person Reese.

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  2. Do they do the Lolita rip-off gorilla cage drawing story in the movie?? Inquiring minds want to know!

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    1. Ugh, damnit, Mr. or Ms. Unknown, now I'm gonna have to go back to verify (thanks a lot, tequila, I can't remember clearly), but I can say with 99% certainty that the Lolita rip-off was not in the movie because my clusterfuck of angry notes does not mention it and I know that I would have scrawled "LOLITA STORY" all over the goddamned page of my notebook if it had been in the movie. When I write the next review, I will once again be forced to start the movie from the beginning and suffer through the first hour yet again, and I will let you know with certainty at that point. Again, though, I definitely would have thrown a big fit if it had been included. Unlike Cheryl, I *WANT TO BE AS HONEST AND ACCURATE AS POSSIBLE* and that's why I won't confirm anything right now. Maybe I was having a seizure or something or recovering from slamming my face into a doorknob and missed something. I doubt it, but I will make sure for you.

      For now, my answer is: No, it was not in the movie. I'm almost certain.

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    2. I'm pretty sure it is not in the movie.

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  3. Well now you've sealed the deal for me. Never gonna watch it. No ass wipe butchers an S&G song and still gets my money. Fuck that shit. There are some lines you don't cross.

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    1. pffft...Simon and Garfunkel. What a couple of folk music losers. Don't you know real music fans listen to Wilco and Michelle Shocked?

      I bet a guy would get no more than a handy in the backseat from Cheryl if they were wearing a Simon and Garfunkel shirt.

      Hmmm... I wonder what a guy would get if he winked at her while wearing a Bob Marley shirt?

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    2. Add this to the long list of reasons in love Alison.

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  4. I had the same thoughts on the 127 Hours-type scene. I also sensed I'd swallowed a whole load of shit after watching this horrid movie (didn't read the book; wife is a big Reese fan and I agree that her role in Freeway is perhaps the best actressing ever). Cheryl is a fucking fake, spot that shit a mile away. And I'm a fan of Yosemite, Sedona, mystical experience and formerly hard drugs, formerly a cheater who now has a stable life, wife, job, so it's not like I don't want it to be true for her. And I think it could have been a mystical experience simply due to the proximity to nature, just that every other embellishment or lie detracts rather than adds to the narrative. You don't have to have hardship to produce transformation. It can be as simple as an idea that takes root and eventually reshapes your neural pathways, which I think we can all relate to from the many great authors we have enjoyed on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level. Twain being one of mine 😃

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    1. That's supposed to be a smiley face I just wanted to say I love your blog and admire your righteous indignation

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  5. "eye roll induced strokes"...I am dying! I cannot wait for "The Bird Story"...I think it will be just what we need to wash all this smelly bullshit of a book/movie out of our heads. I'm so sorry we're putting you through this, Erin. It is for a good cause, though...really.

    I like seeing the new people commenting! I completely agree with your comments Facilman, Alison and Johny Miles. I love this blog! Thank you, thank you, Erin!

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  6. Did you all watch The Academy Awards Starring Cheryl Strayed"? Neither did I. Although I did enjoy the 150 pictures of Cheryl on her FB page. (I couldn't help myself, I had to look!)

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  7. AAAUUUUGGHHH I'm so glad you're suffering through this so I don't have to.

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  8. Yeah, I'll bet, what with this being a no-makeup ugly-cry role, and getting an Oscar-nominated director, Reese thought she had another Oscar in the bag. Too bad, so sad.

    Why did they give college-age Cheese such a bad wig? Why didn't Greg and Cheryl bang since she liked what she saw when he was naked and they had the opportunity at Kennedy Meadows and Cheryl still had her full roll of condoms? Greg bought her Snapple! We already know Cheryl has banged less-cute guys who were less-nice than Greg. In similar circumstances, *I* would have banged Greg.

    LOL at Cheryl Strayed ever writing for Harper's. Ahahahahaha!

    Laura Dern as Cheryl's mom seems like a lovely person. How could she have produced someone like Cheryl Strayed?

    Anyone notice that Cheryl never posts pictures of her brother? He seems to be keeping a very low profile. I wonder what that is about.

    Cali, try setting a timer for the part of the movie you need to pick up from, don't actually *watch* it any more than you have to (you still have to, sorry).

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  9. Oh I soooo want to MST3K this movie.

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    1. OMG, that would be fabulous! But only with Joel, not with Mike.

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    2. Agreed. Joel is much better than Mike.

      They should so bring that show back.

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