Friday, February 13, 2015

The Stupid Fucking Movie Review, Because Apparently You Guys Want Me to Kill Myself: Part One, Day One

[Blogger's note:  This isn't really a "review," per se.  People who write movie reviews usually give a plot summary and explore character development and talk about cinematography or something, whereas I say things like, "Eat a bag of dicks," and then threaten to set myself on fire.  If you're looking for an intelligent, thoughtful review of this movie, LOOK AWAY.  This is more of a scene-by-agonizing-scene breakdown of the movie accompanied by whatever garbage that happens to pop into my head.  Be warned.]



Wild


This movie is a crap cairn.  I saw it in the theater about a month or so ago and was filled with dread upon leaving the theater because I knew I was gonna have to watch it again (and again and again) in order to write a review.  The movie is HORRIBLE.  I'm not just saying this because I hated the book.  It's an awful movie.  As much as I enjoy hating on Cheryl Strayed, the movie is just worthless.  It's dumb and boring and I don't even know how I'm going to make this entertaining.  Also, because I believe in being accurate and detailed, this is going to take forever.  Sometimes I hate you guys for enjoying this.

Let's get started.  Since the movie is about Cheryl and Cheryl is played by Reese, I will refer to the character in the movie as Cheese from here on out.  Don't try to pronounce it all crazy; just call her Cheese.

The movie opens with a nice, peaceful shot of the wilderness that is immediately ruined with what sounds like a woman panting and moaning like she's either getting laid or fiddling with her pudendum and it's so hot and sexy that this lady shows up:

Wait, no, wrong movie, my mistake.


 
We finally discover that no, Cheese isn't having sex right there in the first five seconds; she's hiking and that's the sound of her hiking because that's totally what hikers sound like.
 
Cheese sits down on the top of a big hill/cliff/mountain/who knows, takes off her boots and her bloody socks (she almost orgasms at this point) and OMG, her feet are totes a big, bloody mess, you guys.  Her big toenail is totally black and I'm on the edge of my seat.  She flicks it or something and I guess Robin Desser was one of the special effects people because it almost flies right off before Cheese has a chance to make a big, dramatic to-do about ripping it off.  Cheese looks at her toenail and says, "I'd rather be a hammer than a nail," and I wonder what it would be like to live my entire life just quoting other people.  I imagine it would be difficult and stupid.  Anyway, she rips off her toenail because of course she does and then she screams, falls back and collapses on Monster.  Monster tips over and knocks her boot off the big hill/cliff/mountain/who knows.  You decide what it is:
 
 
 
Cheese can't even believe that just happened and cue Full Cheese.  She screams, "FUCK YOU, BITCH," at... I don't even... the wilderness?  Then, because she's a super smart lady, she chucks her other boot over the edge because that makes total sense.
 
It should be noted that this is decidedly not how it went down in the book, and that's super important because we all know the book is totally true it's not important.
 
Time for the opening credits, but first we're forced to watch a series of Tyler Durden-esque film edits of split-second nonsense, which include a fox, burning book pages and Cheese taking it up the ass from some random dude.  Gross.  No one wants to see this.

Thank god that's over with and the next scene opens with Cheese getting out of a pickup truck at the Yellow Blazer Motel or whatever they call it.  In the book, a guy dropped her off, but in the movie, none other than Cheryl Fucking Strayed drops her off.  No shit, she has a cameo, and she totally nails her line: "Good luck."

Cheese walks into the motel and Front Desk Lady is waiting for her (we can hear news coverage about the O.J. Simpson trial in the background because apparently this is super important except it isn't).  We suffer through their whole exchange about how much the room will be if it's just her, but that it will be more if someone joins her and blah blah blah the scene goes on for way too long, so I'll just write my own condensed scene.
Cheese: Gimme a room.
Front Desk Lady: It'll be $18, unless you're a whore, and you look like a whore.
Cheese: I'm not a whore.
FDL: Yes, you are.
Cheese: Nuh-uh.
FDL: Yes-huh.  Whore.
Cheese: Stop it.
FDL: Whatever.  $18.  For now.  Whore. 

End scene.

Cheese gets to her room and calls Paul.  This doesn't happen in the book-- she only thinks about calling Paul, but doesn't-- but fuck that noise, this is the movie!  She calls Paul, her ex-husband.  Paul answers the phone and OMG, HE'S WITH A GIRL!  Awkward!  Once Cheese realizes that he's with a girl, she tries to play it cool, like, "I'm only calling because I'm looking for Leif," (for those of you who aren't in the know, Leif is her brother) and what the fuck is this all about.  Leif doesn't live with Paul, Cheese doesn't give two shits about Leif and Leif already knows where she is.  Cute, putting that in there to make it seem like she's concerned about someone other than herself when we know the opposite is true.  The conversation is stupid and it finally ends with Paul saying, "Happy trails, [Cheese]."

There's a shot of water leaking from the ceiling into a bucket in the motel room and I don't remember that from the book, but sure, whatever.  Cheese washes her hair in the bathtub without actually getting undressed or taking a shower because I have no fucking idea.  She looks out the window of her motel room, sees a sexy cowboy (rawr), takes The World's Loudest Whistle out of its packaging and sticks it in her mouth.  Doing so apparently triggers a flashback of her sucking on some dude's finger while getting banged and then we're forced to witness a brief flashback of her getting plowed from behind and I want to set my eyes on fire.

The next scene opens and it's the following morning-- the morning of her first day of the hike-- and she packs up Monster.  There's a brown paper bag behind her with "REI" printed on it and I wonder if REI used brown grocery bags back in 1995.  It takes her forever to unpack all of her gear out the original packaging-- including the water purifier, which, in the book, she supposedly had already de-packaged and learned how to use in her kitchen sink back in Minnesota, in the same sentence as having an abortion and making dehydrated tuna flakes-- and then she packs everything into Monster.  She thinks she's finished and then OH, DARN, WATER!  She fills her giant dromedary bag in the bathtub and water noises, water noises, "Shit, shit, shit," omg, it's so heavy and unwieldy!  Cheese finally gets the dromedary bag attached to Monster and ALL DONE!

Here comes the part that I guess is supposed to be funny to people who don't know dick about how things work in the real world:  CHEESE CAN'T LIFT THE PACK, OMG LOL.  Look at her struggle with it!  LOLOL!  This is so funny, omg I <3 this!

I want to throw a grenade at the screen.

This scene keeps going because LOL and she straps herself into the pack while sitting on the ground, tries to stand up, fails, tries again and then LOLOLOLOLOL YOU GUYS, THE PACK FALLS ON TOP OF HER, OMG THIS IS SO FUNNY, SHE'S SO BRAVE and fuck me right in the face.  She rolls back and forth until the momentum gets her onto her knees and then, without breaking the air conditioner (like she did in the book), she finally manages to stand up with her pack on.

Cheese shows up at the gas station and allow me to point out that Reese fucking sucks at pretending she's wearing an 80-pound pack.  She may as well have skipped to the gas station.  Pfffffft, whatever, and now Cheese is scoping out the gas station patrons for a ride.  There's a shot of two creepy men in a van-type vehicle-- the ones she actually took a ride from in the book-- and then a shot of a wholesome father and son and whaddya know, she takes a ride with them.

The next scene opens with Cheese in the back seat of a minivan, a doofus-looking dad-type in the driver's seat and a too-cool-for-school teenaged emo-boy riding up front.  Doofus asks some questions and Cheese misleads him, saying that she's hiking the PCT and that the PCT runs from Mexico to Canada-- but she'll be stopping in Ashland-- and I wonder how many people watched this piece of shit and left under the impression that she hiked the whole goddamned thing.  Anyway, Doofus asks her if she's an experienced hiker and she says, I shit you not, "I'm not obsessive, but this is a stretch, even for me," and I BET IT'S A FUCKING STRETCH, SEEING AS YOU'VE NEVER HIKED BEFORE, YOU STUPID TWAT.  Oh, god, I hate this so much.

Anyway, Doofus turns on the radio in the minivan and how convenient, the song "You Can Never Go Home Again" by the Shangri-las is playing and I'm not even going to bother linking you to the lyrics because it's unnecessary at this point and fuck Cheryl.  So stupid.  I know you're going to look it up now anyway, and knock yourselves out.  Don't say I didn't try to spare you.  So, whatever, this song is playing and of course it sends Cheese into a Mom-flashback where Mom is dancing around and seems drunk.  I don't...

Totally moody teenage son in the minivan suddenly turns the radio off because he's trying to read and old people are lame, and Doofus Dad passive-aggressively says, "I love you, too, son," because he is a huge pussy who isn't in control of anything and this is why Cheese accepted a ride from him.  Barf.  Somebody oughta smack that kid.

Cheese gets dropped off at god knows where and starts hiking.  Reese still sucks at pretending that the pack is heavy and I roll my eyes.  Traffic is still visible in the background-- as in, Cheese has walked about 20 feet-- when she first thinks about giving up.  Really?

She gets maybe 100 feet into her journey and BLAM, Trail Register.  Cheese opens it up to sign in and here is the first of many instances regarding this matter when I want to throttle her with my bare hands.  She writes in the register,

"'If your nerve deny you, go above your nerve.' -- Emily Dickinson, and Cheryl Strayed"

GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKINGASSHATPIECEOFSHIT, THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.  If I recited the entire Emancipation Proclamation right now, I still couldn't attribute the quote to myself just because the words came out of my mouth.  Cheese doesn't seem to understand this and attributes various quotes to herself throughout the whole goddamned movie and it makes me want to murder something.  THAT'S NOT HOW QUOTES WORK.

She's still within eyesight of traffic and already her inner monologue is at Full Cheese: "What the fuck have I done...You can quit at any time... You can quit at any time... You can qu--" HOLY SHIT, WHO IS THAT SECOND VOICE-- MOM, IS THAT YOU?!

Groan.

Cheese rubs some wild something into her hands and inhales and who cares.

She *walks and walks and walks* and omg, SO TIRED.  The movie lets us know that she is 5 miles into her hike and already I call bullshit because we all know she only walked 4 miles on her first day and pfffffffffft.  She stops to make camp and here comes another scene for all the Cheryl-Lovers:  She doesn't know how to put her tent together, LOLOL, Oh, Cheryl!!!  She acts like an idiot, tries reading the tent directions and omg, this is so hard, you guys!  I'm so unprepared!  LOL!

She finally gets her stupid tent put together and it's time for dinner.  She takes a glance at the directions for her little stove, decides that directions are hard and opts to eat cold food, instead.  She starts writing in her journal (WHHHAAAAAA----?) and then reads some poetry because of course she does.  Suddenly, flashback.

Tracy Flick Cheese is walking through the halls of her college (looks like a high school to me), talking to her friend about OMG A BOY and she passes her mom.  She ignores her because that's totally the cool thing to do and once her friend is out of sight, she turns around and calls to her mom, "Bobbi!"  (Let's remember that calling her mom by her first name was on the list of things her mom did wrong, but whatevs, this is the movie.)  Blah blah blah, barf.

Still in the flashback, Cheese and Bobbi are back at home and Cheese is acting like she's so proud of Bobbi for going to school and goddamnit, what the fuck is this.  Bobbi mentions Erica Jong and asks what "zipless fucks" are, stating that she HAS TO WRITE A PAPER ABOUT ZIPLESS FUCKS and what goddamned college are they attending.  Cheese is all, "Gross!  I'm not talking about this with you," and then Leif shows up with a friend.  Because Bobbi is a decent human being, she starts making dinner for Leif and Company and Cheese gets all bent about it because she wants her mom to be a selfish dick like her.

Flashback over, it's nighttime and Cheese is in her tent.  OMG, A NOISE, QUICK, FREAK OUT!

And that's the first 20 minutes of the movie.  I want to kill myself already.




17 comments:

  1. I love you.
    You've gotten much further than I did, I quit the movie about 10 minutes in

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love you back just for the fact that you couldn't take more than 10 minutes of the movie.

      Delete
  2. Oh shit, are you going review the movie in 20-minute bits? I was only expecting one review for the whole train wreck.

    Can we also bag on Jean-Marc Vallee, the director? He's hot right now because of Dallas Buyer's Club, but the direction of Wild was just so meh, so TV movie-of-the-week.

    I'm going to re-watch this along with you for 1) solidarity and 2) I have lots to say about the movie myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa "bits."

      Oh, yeah. I'm gonna dissect this just like I did with the dumb book. Thanks for watching along with me-- I can't wait to see your commentary.

      Delete
    2. Also, yes, let's bag on every goddamned person who has anything to do with this movie. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME. Goddamnit, Laura Dern, you disappoint me. You did Drunk History, for fuck's sake. Who talked you into this piece of shit?

      Delete
  3. Was Cheryl heavily involved in the movie/screenplay? I assume she was, and that some of the deviations from the book are due to her desire to rework parts that she wishes she had written differently. Since her whole tale is fraudulent anyway, there is no need to worry about remaining true to actual events.

    I'm still amazed that so many people lap Cheryl's drivel right up. It's like some mass delusion and nobody seems to want to mention that the emperor has no clothes.

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  4. OMFG..Cheese...CHEESE! By the time I got to the "whore" conversation I was wiping tears out of my eyes and giggling like I was inhaling nitrous oxide from whip cream canisters. Omg....I felt like I was stabbed by a +3 Knowing Dagger.

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  5. On a more serious note...how the fuck can Strayed say on Facebook (in a post she's since deleted) her lack of experience was greatly exaggerated if Cheese was such a mess in the movie?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because she lives in Cheryl-world where Cheryl is always right and the truth is whatever she says it is at that moment. There is no logic or fact-checking in Cheryl-world, but there *are* memory-holes.

      Delete
    2. A reader-- I want to say it was Tori, but I can't find the email-- told me that some real PCT hikers approached the producers of this stupid movie in an attempt to express concern over the validity of Cheryl's claims and were told that the movie "wasn't to be taken as non-fiction." Well, isn't that convenient.

      Delete
  6. I love the brilliance of what you've written thus far! I'm finally caught up to the latest post. I can't believe you are prolonging your agony by reviewing the movie in bits instead of one long profound post. I look forward to the next installment!

    Aside from that, I was excited to read that you will attempt the ADT next year. Part of the North trail comes close to where I live and I've walked and biked parts of it. I am in no way a hiker, but have devoured all manner of trial journals from the ADT (esp. Lion King's ADT), the JMT, several Camino journals, the AT (my fav is http://trailkit.blogspot.com/) and the PCT. I would someday love to at least section hike some of the trails.

    I wish you all the best and look forward to whatever you choose to write about next. I will be an avid reader of your trail journal for sure! Good luck!

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  7. Oh God, Cheese. I laughed and I laughed and I laughed.

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  8. Cheese is perfect....the smellier, the better! I love how your beautiful mind works, Califohioan! I couldn't finish the damn book and I know I'd throw something at the screen if I tried watching the film. Thank you for taking another one for the team!

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  9. See, I had no idea that was Cheryl Herself in a cameo. Now I'm going to have to go back and watch it again just to laugh at all of this shit. I loved the "You're a whore" scene in the movie and do you think she actually did screw that cowboy? I was confused as to whether that was a flashback or she went and lured him into her whore-room just to stick it to the front-desk lady who said she'd have to pay extra if she was a whore.

    One of the first things I whispered to my friend was, "No hat? No sunglasses? I call BULLSHIT!" Her head would have been badly sunburned the first day and that hurts like hell, which she could have then complained about when she tired of telling us how much her feet hurt.

    Honestly, I almost got up in the opening moments with all the sex moaning, it was a terrible way to start a movie, and then to see someone tearing off a toenail and throwing a conniption fit when her boot fell...I knew it was going to be "one of those" movies. I'm going to giggle and giggle and giggle through your review.

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  10. The zipless fucks bit was added to give everyone the idea that Cheryl "Verbal Diarrhea" Strayed is the new Erica Jong...(because, ya know, Cheryl thinks about sex, has sex, and talks dirty, or sumpin.) - I read Erica Jong. I met Erica Jong. Erica Jong is a great writer. Cheryl, you're no Erica Jong.

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  11. OH GOD, I just watched the movie b/c of a co-worker (Stefani, you owe me six dollars). Oh god, the panting. I sure hope I don't sound like that when I am hiking! Yikes! THE TOENAIL. What the f was that all about??? If a toenail is dead and ready to come off, it doesn't hurt. I don't even. When I got bloody toenails, I certainly didn't have blood smeared all over my foot from it. I simply looked at my toe and said, "Look at that. My toenail is purple." Geez. I hate this movie already! Also, no blisters? Why do her feet look like someone took a hammer to them? No attempt at bandaging her feet, at all? I DON"T EVEN.

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  12. Omg. I laughed so hard I was crying when you mentioned "fiddling with her pudendum".
    Since I just read the whole book critique, that part is fresh in my mind and I was *shattered* lol

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