Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Bonus Segment, Part Five: Win a T-Shirt!

We all know that there's something seriously wrong with Cheryl-- I mean, really, there are several things seriously wrong with Cheryl-- and to illustrate this, I'm going to post ten photos of Cheryl attempting to smile. 

Since all of you are fantastic and leave the most entertaining comments, I thought I'd come up with a 'Caption This' contest for my own amusement.  I've been amusing all of you for months; now it's your turn to return the favor.  The person who comes up with the caption that makes me laugh the hardest will win an autographed bottle of Snapple lemonade and a very special, custom-made T-shirt-- and when I say "very special," I fucking mean it:

I will have this made for you.
Also, my blog address will be on the back because I am an asshole.
 
 
HOLY SHIT, PRIZES, YOU GUYS!  BETTER BRING YOUR FUCKING A-GAME.
 



Here, let me start first:

             See? Easy.
 
Except it won't be so easy because it's pretty hard to make me laugh.  Sure, I do the uncomfortable pity laugh all the time, and I might silently snicker about something mildly amusing, but I rarely have the pleasure of laughing until I cry.  YOU'VE SEEN WHAT I'VE GONE THROUGH FOR ALL OF YOU.  Please, make me laugh.
 
I will number all of the photos.  When submitting your caption-- and you may do so either in the comment section or you may email me directly-- please include the photo number and your caption.  What's today?  February 25th?  Let's give it a week.  The contest will be closed at 11:59pm on March 4th and I will post the winner shortly after (I will also post every single caption that was submitted).
 
Okay, start thinking:
 
#1
 
 
 
#2
 
 
 
#3
 
 
 
#4
(I know she's not smiling here, but I couldn't resist)
 
 
 
#5
 
 
 
#6
 
 
 
#7
 
 
 
#8
 
 
 
#9
 
 
 
#10
 
 
 
Okay!  Get started!  You can submit as many entries as you want-- the goal here is to entertain me.  Go for it.  Submit 1,000 entries if you want.  There's no limit.
 
I will probably have my friend, Jaime, help me with the judging and you, too, can help by telling me whose caption is the funniest.  I will take all suggestions into consideration. 
 
There can only be one winner!  These t-shirts cost $25 to make!  This blog has been viewed almost 100,000 times!  I am not a bazillionaire!
 
 
MAKE ME LAUGH.
 



97 comments:

  1. #2
    "Turtle goes out, turtle goes in. Turtle goes out, turtle goes in."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh god, I didn't even look at the picture-- I just read your comment-- and I laughed aloud. Oh, this is going to be great fun.

      Delete
    2. So far, this is my favorite!

      Delete
  2. My entry for #2
    https://twitter.com/MercerCreed/status/570760371746643968

    ReplyDelete
  3. Entry for #8
    https://twitter.com/MercerCreed/status/570762594836811776

    Damnit, I'm going to be late leaving work cuz you got me all hooked on this now!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Entry for #10
    https://twitter.com/MercerCreed/status/570763895435960320

    ReplyDelete
  5. Pic of Cheryl: "Yellow blazing since 1996"

    "Got abortion flakes?"

    "Got condoms?"

    Pic of Smokey the Bear: "only you can prevent hiking the $trayed way."

    A Photoshop of Cheryl waking up, ala Godfather, in a bed with a horse head.

    "Are you there, Bob? It's me, Cheryl."

    "Condoms? Check.
    Abortion flakes? Check.
    Profound stupidity? Check.
    Hiking the $trayed way!"

    "cow. Cow. COW"

    "If a boot falls off a cliff on the PCT and no one was there hear it, does it make a best seller?"

    "You had me at Snapple"

    "Vote for Paco!"

    "I don't always do peyote, but when I do, it's in the back o f a sketchy milk truck"

    "Stupid
    Trail
    Rookie
    Ate
    Your
    Engorged
    Dick" - use the first letter of each word

    "Hasty abortion? $200
    Poorly fitted hiking boots? $129
    PCT Guidebook? $19.99
    Putting your fucktardary in print and on film? Priceless."

    "Cheryl $trayed: keeping it real since 199?...oh! Why start now?"

    "I don't always hike the PCT, but when I do, I don't."

    Pic of a small Fox. "Mom?"


    Not my best work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "'I don't always hike the PCT, but when I do, I don't.'"

      BAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

      Delete
  6. WILD: Strayin' from the truth one lie at time."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the inspiration -- Wild: Strayed from the truth one li[n]e at a time.

      Delete
  7. Entry for #3
    https://twitter.com/MercerCreed/status/570765190804824064

    ReplyDelete
  8. Entry for #4
    https://twitter.com/MercerCreed/status/570766502514683904

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FUCKING AWESOME. OMG, I LOVE IT.

      Delete
    2. Okay now THAT is freaking FUNNY! I'm so, so late, but laughing so, so hard.

      Delete
  9. Entry for #9 (too hard to put captions on the photo itself because of the background)

    C: I'm an EXPERT hiker and navigationalist! The exit is thattaway!!!

    R: (in stage whisper) Stop embarrassing me you fat sow, it's over there!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good one, Mercer, but your other entries don't open on my iPad. My loss.

      Delete
    2. It's too bad we cant post active hyperlinks. They go to my twitter account, so if you're not adverse to wading through a few of my left-wing rants, you can see all the images on Twitter:
      https://twitter.com/MercerCreed
      or use my account name: @mercercreed
      You might need the twitter app?

      -MC

      Delete
    3. I've also posted them to my blog. Maybe that will open
      http://mercercreed.blogspot.com/2015/02/photo-captions-complete-collection.html

      Delete
    4. Going to Mercer's blog works for seeing the photos with captions -- I did it. Good blog, too.

      Delete
  10. #3

    Coming this summer: Pokeholes and Bareback, two unusual detectives who are also whores.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist.

      HEY EVERYBODY, THIS IS BRIAN FROM "BONUS SEGMENT, PART TWO!" (http://cherylstrayedisaliar.blogspot.com/2015/02/bonus-segment-part-two-cheryl-strayed.html) HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO TELL HIM HOW AWESOME HE IS!!!

      Delete
    2. Hi Brian! You're awesome! You really, really, really are awesome, really!

      Delete
  11. #1

    Woman overcomes fetal alcohol syndrome, uses Oscar stage pass to impress then sleep with best boy grip named Scooter.

    ReplyDelete
  12. #9

    We were pointing and pointing and pointing...

    ReplyDelete
  13. One of these things is not like the other.

    One of these things just doesn't belong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Was the slit dress a clue? I've always noticed that even if an actress is not a babe, she's got great gams.

      Delete
    2. I'm still trying to figure out how she sausaged her hooves into those pumps. I suspect wizardry.

      Delete
    3. "sausaged her hooves " my stomach hurts!

      Delete
  14. Replies
    1. ...and this is why I wanted you to join in on the fun.

      Delete
  15. #4

    I'm glad you're not dead like my dead mom. Or her dead horse. Or your dead career.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Reese: Cheryl, are you touching my pudendum?
    Cheryl: That's "PUDENDA".

    ReplyDelete
  17. #8
    Cheryl (to Reese): My neck gets sore like that, too, when I put too many bones in my mouth in one day. We'll just find a Swiss hippie girl to rub some oil on it and it will feel much better.

    ReplyDelete
  18. #4 - Seldom-Seen and Thought Of As Fictional, The One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Purple People-Eater Engulfs A Small Blonde Woman And Prepares To Devour Her Prey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good one. How do you know about the Flying Purple People Eater if you're not old like me?

      Delete
  19. #9
    C: I f*cked him & him & him. Oh, I gave him a BJ.
    R: Him, too?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Photo #4; Entry #2
    https://twitter.com/MercerCreed/status/570973857701437440

    C: ouch! What was that?
    R: My soft, knowing dagger in your back....

    ReplyDelete
  21. Photo #4, Entry #3
    https://twitter.com/MercerCreed/status/570975225422094336

    Reese: For fuck's sake, lay off the Snapple and Doritos, it's not like you're an actual hiker.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Photo #6, entry 1:
    https://twitter.com/MercerCreed/status/570976541108080640

    Is that a Snapple in your pocket???

    Cuz I would totes bone you and drink that Snapple.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Entry for Photo #1

    "My necklace represents the 72 rattlesnakes I almost stepped on when I was on the PCT!"

    ReplyDelete
  24. Entry for photo #1

    "My daughter is sort of a hair cutting expert!"

    ReplyDelete
  25. Entry for #7

    C: " I could totally eat the two of you up! No seriously I could polish off the both of you in like 15 minutes. I've done it before"

    ReplyDelete
  26. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. #1: Hope no notices this little twerp behind me hiked more than I did.

      Delete
  27. #2: "Fuck it, Cheryl, a rattlesnake!" "Okay, if you hold the head."

    ReplyDelete
  28. #4: Midwestern farm girls shouldn't wear magenta.

    ReplyDelete
  29. #5: I disarmed these little land mines that I found in the middle of a coiled rattlesnake on the PCT.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. John, this one is in the running. Oh my god.

      Delete
  30. #6: "Help me out, here. Which of these eyeliners make me look less ripped?"

    ReplyDelete
  31. #3: "Travel Oregon" -- one way or the other.

    ReplyDelete
  32. #1: "In thy foul throat thou liest" -- WS

    ReplyDelete
  33. #10
    Cheryl: I loved your father in Nebraska.
    Laura: Wasn't he great in that movie? He was nominated for an Academy Award.
    Cheryl: What movie? I was just bragging that I f**ked him last time I was in Omaha.

    (My apologies to the Derns. I adore them.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. About the apology: Yes, we are all going to hell for this but your comment was priceless.

      Delete
  34. #4
    Thought bubble from Reese's cute little head:
    It's moments like this that I wish I had listened to my agent and auditioned for the part of Llama Boy.

    ReplyDelete
  35. #9
    Cheryl: I just shook George Clooney's hand with organic vaginal sponge juice all over my finger!
    Reese: Kewl! So did I!

    ReplyDelete
  36. #9: Okay, on the count of three, which way is the PCT?

    ReplyDelete
  37. #8: Come on Reese, I finished the worthless book, you can finish the worthless movie.

    ReplyDelete
  38. #10: "The trees were tall, but Laura Dern was taller."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can you tell I'm drinking now?

      Delete
    2. This is one of my faves. I'm sure this quote will be in her next memoir: Wild Again, The Making of the Movie Wild, based on my best-selling and totally true book Wild.

      Delete
    3. Thank you for the funny reply.
      Regarding the fatted calf, check out the March cover of the Costco Connection if you dare: "Going Wild, Following the Trail from Book to Movie". Camping gear will be flying off the shelves. Oldest cliche in the book but FOLLOW THE MONEY. And I love Costco.

      Delete
  39. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  40. #5: out of modesty, I don't show my perfect teeth in one out of ten photographs (two, if you want to be an asshole about it).

    ReplyDelete
  41. Entry for #10

    Cheryl: "Oh my skin looks so bad under these harsh lights! They'll see every bump and clogged pore!"

    Laura: "Dont worry, the photographer will "Cheryl Strayed" the picture in Photoshop"

    ReplyDelete
  42. I got nothing.

    Looking at Cheryl's face just saps all my wit and intelligence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same here...especially after reading all these excellent captions...I keep thinking, "why didn't I think of that?".

      Delete
  43. #3. CHEESE!

    #5. He just c@me in my mouth a little

    #9. We snowed you and you and you and you.....

    ReplyDelete
  44. #1: hope no one notices that the movie poster and book cover behind me shows rabbit brush blooming in the fall near Ridgecrest, but I was there in the spring.

    Because if they notice that, they might notice that the original book cover showed an early 1970s boot that was cut and pasted out of an iStockphotos pic of two boots, neither one of which was mine.

    And if they notice that, they might notice that I recently said in reply to people saying I was unprepared for the trail, [something to the effect of] "A close reading of the book shows that Cheryl was 'found' before she started hiking." which gives lie to the subtitle "From lost to found ON the Pacific Crest Trail".

    And if they notice all of that, they will see that there are three major lies before they even get off the cover!

    ReplyDelete
  45. #5
    I just heard that Califohioan was going to review the audiobook version of "Wild"

    ReplyDelete
  46. #4
    Cheryl make a cameo in the profoundly dramatic "Bigfoot Rape" scene.

    (We're surely going to hell for this one)

    ReplyDelete
  47. I don't have a caption idea yet, and I swear to all that is sacred (even Bob Marley t-shirts) that I'm a huge body positivity advocate, but holy Christ, those cankles! They must be punishment for her infinite list of wrongdoings.

    ReplyDelete
  48. You guys ^ are all so creative! I love them all! My cheeks are hurting from all the smiling & laughing as I read them, scrolled up, scrolled back down, scrolled back up and so on...I just scrolled and scrolled and scrolled...

    ReplyDelete
  49. Erin, I'm sure you could sell those t-shirts (I'd buy one), funding for your hike to make sure you have a supply of snapple along the way.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Maybe she likes Snapple so much because the bottles are the same shape as her ankles. *snort*

    ReplyDelete
  51. #2
    Shit, I forgot I didn't want to wear this dress tonight... I'm totally planning on wearing it to the Golden Globes. Maybe nobody will notice me. Oh, my god, do you think they won't notice me? They *have* to notice me. Don't they? Maybe if this fucking bitch would stop hogging all the questions. C'mon... notice me. Notice me, guys. NOTICE ME!

    ReplyDelete
  52. #3
    Look... see.... if I stretch my smile out a little to the side like this, I have this totally adorable dimple like Jennifer Lawrence. She's so pretty and great and popular. Her dimple is totally fake, though. Mine's completely real. I hate Jennifer Lawrence.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I'm going more with lengthy thought bubbles than captions. Maybe not the rules, exactly, but it's so fun to put words in her dumb head :)

    ReplyDelete
  54. #4
    This Valentine's Day, tell her just how much you're barely tolerating her by making it completely obvious how grossed out you are to touch her.

    ReplyDelete
  55. #6
    Oh, don't mind me... I just had my first whole beer I've ever drunk in my life just now backstage!

    ReplyDelete
  56. Erin, you didn't say we couldn't provide captions for the sample photo, so here goes. Alice Roosevelt Longworth said "If you can't say something good about someone, sit right here by me.", so we're in high company and I'm going with it:

    "Do you know how hard it is to find rose-red sausage casings in this size?"

    "I don't think there's a wrist equivalent for cankles, but I'm sure they will come up with something."

    ReplyDelete
  57. #2 - "I look amazing, as usual, and Poon shows up drunk in her pajamas. That bitch is ruining my life!"

    *Poon = Cheese's personal nickname for Reese WithersPOON that she claims outwardly is cute and quirky but knows full well that it's an offensive, petulant, jealous dig.

    ReplyDelete
  58. #4 - Reese: if this bitch ruins my hair on show night, I will CUT her!"

    ReplyDelete
  59. #8: "Did you see that sound man I just banged on the break? His penis was so small but I just ate and ate and ate it!"

    ReplyDelete
  60. #5: (in an oozing, condescending tone) "'Califohioan?' Oh please. You clearly stole that from me. That one guy in the book that I describe completely vaguely so no one can ever figure out how who I claim to be hiking with gave me that nickname on mile 7,528 of the PCT because I am the only woman ever to conquer California and Ohio on the same day. You're such a poser."

    ReplyDelete
  61. #4: "Careful of my left breast. It's hangin' a little low tonight."

    ReplyDelete
  62. #2: Got the mustard. Got the ketchup. Let's make a CHEESEburger!

    ReplyDelete