Sunday, January 18, 2015

Part Thirty-Three of a review of "Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail," Chapter Fifteen, Part Three: Cheryl's Pudendum Gets Some Action

A review of Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail, by Cheryl Strayed

Part Thirty-Three, Chapter Fifteen, Part Three:  Cheryl's Pudendum Gets Some Action


We left off with Cheryl and Jonathon doing I don't even want to know in his house tent because nobody had a condom, but apparently it was a whole mess of I don't want to know because,

"It was fun.  It was more than fun.  It was like a festival in that tent.  We fell asleep at six and woke up two hours later, exhausted, but awake, our bodies too out of whack to sleep any more."
 
 
 
Jonathon says that it's his day off and suggests they go to the beach.  Stupid fucking idiot Cheryl "consented without knowing where exactly the beach might be," and jesus christ, she apparently doesn't understand what beaches are, but I guess this shouldn't be all that surprising seeing as she also doesn't understand what mountains or deserts are, either, but still, are you fucking kidding me.  They drive to the coastal town of Brookings and Cheryl states,
 
"I half regretted agreeing to come and not only because my interest in Jonathon was waning, but because we'd been driving for three hours.  It seemed odd to be so far from the PCT, as if I were betraying it in some way,"

and shut the fuck up, you've betrayed pretty much everyone in your life, why should this bother you.  They get to the beach and oh, for fuck's sake, isn't this convenient for her dramatic bullshit-- she'd "been at this very beach before, with Paul," and shut your stupid fucking mouth, you liar.  Anyway, sure, she's been at this very beach before with her ex-husband and there isn't a gif in existence to illustrate my exasperation/disgust/fury/murderous impulse so you're just going to have to visualize what my face looks like right now.  It's beautiful, I'm sure.

Cheryl (ROBIN DESSER, DON'T THINK FOR A MINUTE THAT YOU'RE GOING TO COME AWAY FROM THIS UNSCATHED) says this big pile of a sentence fragment:

"Who I'd been when I'd been here with Paul and what I'd thought would happen and what did and who I was now and how everything had changed."

THAT IS NOT A FUCKING SENTENCE.  IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE AT ALL.  I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH.  Go ahead, go back and try reading that "sentence" without your brain exploding in retaliation.  No, really,  Do it.

"Jonathon didn't ask what I was thinking about, though I'd gone quiet,"

and no shit, you stupid asshole, he does not care about you or any of your bullshit thoughts and he's made this perfectly clear.  He just wants to get laid.  So do you.  Shut the fuck up already.

Jonathon suggests a spot on the beach and Cheryl decides to go off walking on her own because... I can't even finish this sort of sentence anymore.  She goes off to collect "pretty rocks" along the beach and what the fuck is it with people collecting rocks on the beach.  Anyway, she keeps walking until she's out of Jonathon's view and takes a moment to write Paul's name in the sand because, forget it, I can't deal with this fuckery.  Let's allow Cheryl to have her stupid epiphany that makes no sense:

"I didn't want to hurt for him anymore, to wonder whether in leaving him I'd made a mistake, to torment myself with all the ways I'd wronged him.  What if I forgave myself? I thought.  What if I forgave myself even though I'd done something I shouldn't have?  What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I'd done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do?  What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything differently than I had done?  What if I'd actually wanted to fuck every one of those men?  What if heroin had taught me something?  What if yes was the right answer instead of no?  What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn't have done was what also had got me here?  What if I was never redeemed?  What if I already was?"

 
 
 
 
 
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THAT PARAGRAPH THAT I CAN'T EVEN FUNCTION ANYMORE.
 
Oh my god, I think I'm having a stroke.
 
Forgive me for saying so, but fuck all of you for enjoying this blog so much.  I want to walk away right now because doing this isn't healthy for me anymore.
 
Since you don't care, let's continue.
 
Cheryl makes her way back to Jonathon, asks if he wants her dumb rocks that she'd collected and Jonathon declines, instead opting to spread out a little pre-fuck picnic and oh, jesus, here we go.
 
Jonathon reaches over "with his finger full of honey," smears it all over Cheryl's maw and kisses it off, "biting [her] ever so gently at the end," and goddamnit.  Then this almost-sentence happens:
 
"And so began a seaside honey fantasia."

I hate you so much.

Jonathon whips out a whole damn package of condoms and then the two of them have what I can only imagine is pretty much the worst sex ever because it involves honey and sand and my vagina hurts just from the thought of this.  Cheryl refers to her ass as her "rump," and jesus christ, you'd think a big whore like Cheryl could come up with better terms, but then again, this is Cheryl and we shouldn't be surprised at this point.  They have honey-sand sex right there on the beach and I throw up on my couch.

They drive three hours back to Ashland and neither one of them has anything to say to one another.  They finally arrive at Cheryl's hostel and end their "twenty-two-hour date."  Jonathon pretends to want to keep in touch and Cheryl gives him her friend Lisa's address and thank fucking god this is over.

33 comments:

  1. Hello ~ I had posted on another blog about cheryl the bimbo/liar. I pretty much called her a liar in my comment & here is a response I rec'd...what do you think? I'd love to be able to wittily respond to "Greg".
    There is a new comment on the post "That Book - Cheryl Strayed's Wild".
    http://www.pmags.com/that-book-cheryl-strayeds-wild

    Author: Roger Carpenter
    Comment:
    Granolagirl, I cannot agree with your labeling Cheryl as "a liar". I hiked and traveled with Cheryl Strayed in 1995 (I am written as Greg in the book and the movie), and I found her to be genuin and honest. The parts of her story that involve me were written as true as can be given the fact that she started writing the book 15 years after the events happened. I was very happy with my protrayal. Of course, I did not hike the entire 1,100 miles with Cheryl, but I had an opportunity to know her well enough to conclude she is an honest person. You, Cheryl and I each had our "first experience" as a backpacker in vastly different circumstances. Why would you conclude that Cheryl's first would be similar to your first backpack? I can understand why some people might not get much out of the book and movie, but calling Cheryl a liar is unjustified.

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    1. I think the simplest reply would be, "Bullshit. Prove it."

      This person (who is probably just Cheryl Strayed pretending to be "Greg") would be the first and only person to come forward to validate any of Cheryl's lies, and I call shenanigans.

      Let's pretend this isn't Cheryl claiming to be Greg. The best way to win a debate is to use your opponent's own words against him. By Greg's own admission, he did not hike the entire 1100 miles with Cheryl-- he only "had an opportunity to know her well enough to conclude that she is an honest person." Well, isn't that subjective and convenient. How long is "an opportunity?" How long does it take to conclude without any doubt that a person is honest?

      Going by Cheryl's account, she and Greg only spent a very brief time together on the trail itself and most of the time they spent together was ON A BUS, BYPASSING THE SIERRAS, which only proves that Cheryl wasn't hiking dick.

      Ask him how much time it took him to conclude that Cheryl was an "honest person" and how he is an expert on this matter. Lance Armstrong was an honest person, right? James Frey was an honest person... I could waste so much time pointing out all sorts of "honest people" who ended up being full of shit.

      If Greg actually exists, by his own admission, he didn't spend enough time with Cheryl on the PCT to know if she lied or not. He only had a warm, fuzzy feeling about her and that proves nothing.

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    2. One good bit of evidence would be if both Roger and Cheryl had signed the same trail register at the same time, or within a few days of one another. Or if Roger had a picture of the two of them together. If he got to know her that well, wouldn't he have gotten such a picture, as people often do?

      But so far all we have is a blog comment which *I* could have written.

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    3. I was waiting to post this until you got to the right point in the book, but I cant wait any longer!
      Check out this entry on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/412865460

      I find it very interesting that the 3 young bucks have refused to be interviewed about Cheryl Strayed and none of them have any sort of web presence at all. I would think at least one of them would be like Roger/Greg and jump up and down saying "that's me! that's me!" unless of course they know something we dont.

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    4. Oh, I cant believe I forgot this....read her "thanks" at the end of the book. She only mentions 2 of the 3 young bucks and doesnt thank them for their friendship or help along the trail, only for "responding to her inquiries thoughtfully" (or however she said it). WTF??? That's how I would thank a scientist for answering my questions about a sci-fi novel I had been working on, not a friend who had hiked the PCT with me. Nothing about "Wild" smells right.

      Oh, and while I'm at it, has anyone gone back and read the Sugar articles? Not ONCE does she mention hiking, even though a young woman in her twenties writes to Sugar and asks her advice about going into the wilderness near Sarah Palin's house. "Sugar" (Strayed) doesnt mention the PCT at all, but says what helped her in her twenties was Art. WHAT? What a lying liar.

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    5. Sorry, in my Strayed-inspired rage I actually mixed two Sugar stories together.

      Here is one where she claims to have had two abortions in a response to a girl going out in the wilderness: http://therumpus.net/2009/03/an-emergecy-broadcast-from-sugar-an-abortion-near-sarah-palins-front-lawn/
      Note she also talks about being in jail with a knife wound...WTF?

      And here is another about being last in the wilderness but strayed says nothing about her hike, only that she likes long walks and art
      http://therumpus.net/2010/04/april-1st-2010-dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-31-lost-in-the-wilderness-of-self/

      I'd advise reading the Sugar stuff now before Strayed publishers realize what a fuck-up her whole back story is and get the articles deleted.

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    6. Oh, God, Mercer :) Thank you for those links...at least I'm laughing, now! I had never heard of her (sugar or otherwise) until that damn book, which I returned to the library in the middle of chapter 4. I don't know anything about the 3 young bucks.

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    7. Cindi, I was about to publish a comment on his blog until I got to the part where I was suggesting that he change his tampon before he gets TS. That's when I realized that my comment would likely be deleted immediately. Mr. Mags seems like the type who will stomp home *and take his ball with him* when things don't go his way.

      I like how he flat out stole "Shameless Commerce Division" straight from NPR's "Car Talk" and wrote "Apologies to Car Talk!" next to it, as if that somehow excuses the plagiarism. No wonder he's a Cheryl fan; they have so much in common.

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    8. Greg/Roger posted pics with Cheryl. Thoughts? Legit?
      http://www.pcta.org/wild/2015/01/28/greg-first-person-story-wild/

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  2. It turns out that I did respond with some very similar comments to "greg/richard on the blog site a few hours ago. I just went to to site to copy/paste what I wrote and the blog author states that he decided to delete me:
    http://www.pmags.com/that-book-cheryl-strayeds-wild#comment-469598
    He doesn't like me because I hate cheryl and he apparently loves her and is gallantly defending her. The little shit. You have to scroll down to get to the blog. My name on that blog is Granolagirl.

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  3. Anyway, Califohioan~ thank you from the bottom of my heart! I love this blog and everyone who has participated. I've finally caught up from the beginning! You rock!

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    1. Thank you so much, truly. For a blog I started solely to entertain myself and a handful of my friends, this has turned into something much bigger than I ever could have imagined and I'm so grateful for all of you who are enjoying it. YOU rock.

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  4. Cheryl should have called this chapter, "I suck at Math, remix!" For one, she states that she headed to the club to see the band around 8pm. The love shack, tent was, by her description, an hour or so out of Ashland, in the woods. If they got up and fooled around until 8am, then they maybe got in the car around 8:30. Since all of Cheryl's shit, including her backpack and clothes, then it's almost a given she stopped to get her shit...because, if she hadn't planned a beach day, the hotel would've kicked monster to the curb at checkout. Cheryl had to do t her go back for monster or pay for another night...but, at least go back to get a change of clothes. So, even if lover boy took this time to get gas, picnic shit, and condoms...they're not out of Ashland until 11...minimum.
    It's 138 miles of slow going. At least three hours with no traffic! So, they roll up to the beach at 2. Did they not eat or get coffee on the way? So, the honey romp and sand art and "profound epiphany".... it had to take less than two hours to make it back in a total of 22 hrs.
    Who drives six hours, plus, for an hour or two at a beach? Moreover, what PCT HIKER, who has run short of cash so often, takes three zero days in a tourist town?

    More importantly, why the fuck would any mom want her daughter of emulate the truly reckless behavior of Cheryl tripping with strangers, getting into a car and driving far off course without a care, and acting as if all of the cheating, drugs, lying, and poor choices were actually good things. Cheryl is not admirable - she is stupid and lucky!

    As for "Greg" popping up after all these years...I say prove it. It's real easy. Every PCT hiker should know several others who can match up to the trail logs. Pics? Receipts? Momentos?

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    1. This is so maddening to me. Roger/Greg has about 3 photos on his Facebook page of he and Cheryl in 1995 supposedly eating at two rest points along the trail, but not a single photo of her on a trail, or even carrying a backpack. For all he knows, since he claims she always wanted to hike alone, she could have easily yellow blazed down the road instead of hiking the trail. I dont doubt she was out there hauling around a pack near the PCT in 1995, but I strongly doubt a good 80% of her stories.

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    2. BTW Tori, did you ever post those screen shots of the archived forum posts concerning someone writing a fictional story about the PCT? Im dying to read through those. Which forum were you searching? I'm happy to do some sleuthing myself.

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  5. I'd love to go back & press my case to Greg/Richard but I've been deleted (I am Granola Girl on that blog):
    "Paul Mags on January 19, 2015 at 3:45 pm said:
    I deleted a comment from Granola Girl. It is one thing to say you do not like a book..but to label someone a liar, and who is a participant of this blog, is not acceptable.

    GG, please start your own site if you wish to slander. I’d rather not have my resources (my house, if you will) be used for that purpose. Thank you.
    Reply ↓"
    I did try to post another comment after I saw that^ but crickets (& that comment remains unposted). I just so wish more people would publicly point out Cheryl's lies! I so want her to be outed!!!

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  6. Oops...Greg/Roger (not Richard)

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  7. It looks like "Roger Carpenter" really was Greg, though I think it's strange that he wasn't mentioned in the thank-yous in the book. He did apparently go to the movie premier and posted some pics from his section hike of the PCT, including a few with Cheryl:

    https://www.facebook.com/roger.carpenter.39/media_set?set=a.425884504108023.115000.100000594322818&type=3

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Click on Photos in FB and then go to Albums. He has a PTC album from 1995. There are 3 pics that Cheryl is in, 2 are in restaurants and the third one is around a picnic table. None of her "hiking" on the trail. Hey this guy got to go to the premier, meet famous people. He's going with it for the freebies. He is not about to call her out.

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    3. That last picture on his page is supposedly at the campground at Horseshoe Meadows in California. She just so happens to be wearing a pair of quite sturdy looking sandals. They don't seem to match up with her description of the flimsy, worn-out flip-flops she has to tape up completely with duct tape to continue her hike. I wonder where those nice ones disappeared to when she needed something to wear after littering the ancient forest with her boots.

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    4. Thanks, yes...I did see the photos (I'd forgotten to log into FB first). I thought the same thing: He had to defend her...sort of, because he got his 3 minutes of fame & got to take his wife to meet Reese Witherspoon!

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    5. Good catch, Facilman! I've gotta go back & look :)

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    6. I saw the sandals & in the restaurant photo, she's apparently wearing a non-sport watch and a delicate-looking bracelet + earrings....not at all what I would wear or even bring along on a backpacking trip! But then, I wouldn't pack any books (other than a trail book relating to the trails I'd be hiking).

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    7. Sometimes I just like to sit back and read what all of you fine people have to say. I'm enjoying this more than I can explain.

      Delete
  8. Yes - it does appear to be "him". But, they were at Kennedy Meadows, not hiking. I didn't read the book past ch, 4, but from Cali's blog, and other reviews I've read, she hitchhiked practically everywhere. I do believe she did a
    "little" hiking on the trail (the parts she could get to by motor vehicle), so this still doesn't prove anything.

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  9. That bit about "What if" was at the end of the movie, after she reaches the bridge, and as it was being read, I sat there stunned to hear that she had supposedly walked all of that way, only to justify herself and all of her shitty choices up to that point! There was no epiphany - that involves taking responsibility for one's part in messes, admitting you've hurt others, and making amends. She was saying, "After all the shit I did, I'm just great as a person and I have nothing to apologize for." I don't eat at movies but if I had, I would have had to suppress my gag reflex. She left a trail of pain behind her but it didn't matter, right, because she's Cheryl Strayed!

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    1. This was EXACTLY how I felt. In a book about personal growth and redemption, there is typically some sort of epiphany, right? Jaysus, she doesn't even figure out how to carry less in her backpack, much less have some sort of life-changing realization.

      Delete
  10. I was on the subway the other morning. A young lady was reading a novel on her kindle. Yes, I was reading over her shoulders. I could not figure out what book she was reading, but I remembered "And so it began, a seaside honey fantasia.". I just google the phrase, and up comes this blog. This is too funny. It is enough for me to get the book, read it, and hate it as much as the Reviewer here!

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    Replies
    1. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! DON'T BUY THIS BOOK. I mean, if you can find it for $0.01 or pick it out of a dumpster, that's cool. PLEASE don't spend money on this pile of crap, I beg you.

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  11. Pudenda ? The fu.. Did she really use this word ? So glad I found this blog and didn't have to hate read the book.

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  12. Wow, thanks for saving me from this idiocy. I was looking for books to read for women in their mid-twenties and 'Wild' was in every list I came across. I was about to mark the book as a "to-read" but then, I read very bad reviews from book bloggers I like. I am saddened and disgusted that this book is being marketed to young people like me as an 'inspiring' tale of 'redemption', and Cheryl as someone whom we should all aspire to.

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  13. I can't believe this chick was/is an advice columnist. Holy fuck sticks. This book made my eyes bleed, but since finding your blog, I've at least had some laughs from the experience. I don't suppose you have ANY good hiking/adventure books to recommend to cleanse the palate?

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