Monday, December 1, 2014

Part Two of a review of "Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail," Let's Break This Down

 
A review of Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail, by Cheryl Strayed

Part Two: Let's Break This Down



The synopsis on the back cover of this book is as follows:

"At twenty-two, Cheryl Strayed thought she had lost everything.  In the wake of her mother's death, her family scattered and her own marriage was soon destroyed.  Four years later, with nothing more to lose, she made the most impulsive decision of her life.  With no experience or training, driven only by blind will, she would hike more than a thousand miles of the Pacific Crest Trail from the Mojave Desert through California and Oregon to Washington State-- and she would do it alone.  Told with suspense and style, sparkling with warmth and humor, Wild powerfully captures the terrors and pleasures of one young woman forging ahead against all odds on a journey that maddened, strengthened, and ultimately healed her."



Well, that's just adorable.  I can totally see why Oprah chose this for her book club (because she clearly learned absolutely nothing from her experience with James Frey).  If I, a total nobody, can easily fact-check this book and quickly come to the conclusion that Cheryl Strayed is an obvious liar...

I don't even.

Let me write my own, more accurate synopsis now.

"At twenty-two, Cheryl Whatever-Her-Name-Was-At-The-Time had to deal with the fact that her mother died, and because Cheryl was the first person in the history of the world to have lost a parent, she had a total fucking meltdown and used her mother's death to excuse a whole world of horrible behavior, including destroying her own marriage by cheating on her husband multiple times, becoming a heroin addict*, alienating her family, torturing her mother's horse to death** and eating her dead mother's remains***.  Then she decided to go on a few day hikes in the wilderness and almost 20 years later, she realized how much money could be made off of a memoir, so she transformed those day hikes into a supposed 1100-mile hike that never actually happened because she admittedly bypassed the most difficult parts and unintentionally admitted that she hitchhiked the vast majority of the remaining parts (not to mention that the only sections of the trail she bothers to half-heartedly describe are all easily accessible by car).  Also, only about 15% of the book is about hiking the trail (which is not surprising, as she didn't really hike much of it).  The remaining 85% of the book consists of 'DID I MENTION THAT MY MOM DIED? LET ME REMIND YOU EVERY FEW SENTENCES,' constant reminders about how *breathtakingly beautiful* she is, how every man wants her -- *all of the men*-- and how every single person who meets her reaffirms her insane belief that she is SO BRAVE AND AWESOME AND OMG.  She also lies, steals, tries to steal and fails (those people were so mean!!!), never helps anyone, bangs some random dude because she is preoccupied with sex 100% of the time (who brings an entire roll of condoms for a trek through the wilderness?) and eventually comes to the 'healing' conclusion that she's awesome the way she is and should never change."

*Bullshit, I don't believe this for a second and will revisit this in detail.

** She waited until the statute of limitations was up to reveal this horrible crime, because she should be in jail for what she did.

***She actually makes this claim.

(All of the above will be explained further in future posts, god help me.)

I can't.... I just....

Ugh.

I can't believe I haven't even started to review the actual book yet.  This is going to take a lot of time.

This piece of shit book, it should be noted, has been made into a movie that opens this week.  I think it's very fitting that the person cast to play Cheryl is none other than Reese Do-You-Know-Who-I-Am Witherspoon.  I don't know if that was done on purpose, but I couldn't approve more.
 

14 comments:

  1. Awwww, now that's just unfair. She learns some other major life lessons along the way, like "You don't have to say yes EVERY time a guy you just met offers you some form of opium" and "It's possible to be in the presence of an attractive man and simply enjoy his company instead of trying to jump his bones." You have to admit, these *are* pretty darn important, as life lessons go ...

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    1. Ha! I would agree with you, except... I don't think she learns these lessons.

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  2. Sure she does ... remember when she was waiting for her date to get off work and that guy invited her to hang out in his truck and he offered her an opium root and she put it in her mouth and realized how stupid she was being and spit it out? And then she meets the Three Young Bucks or whatever she called them, and she had crushes on all three of them but especially a guy named Rick, and she decided not to have sex with him because he was four whole years younger than she was, and after that she put her last condom in the giveaway bag? Spitting out drugs and existing without condoms - I was sooooooo proud of her.

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    1. I stand corrected. She learned so much on this journey.

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    2. oh yes we should invent an award for Cheryl and humility. We could call it the humbles.

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  3. she learned nothing but she can in one summer kill a baby, kill a horse and kill a marriage all in months and still be better then any one I know she healed nothing here in minnesota

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  5. If she was never sick, she was never "on" Heroin. Throwing that in to appear edgy actually does the opposite.

    What properly depressed and hopeless individual doesn't throw themselves head first into something like Heroin ? What an amateur.

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    1. I thought the same thing too! I was never a drug addict but this I know: heroin is immediatly and "potently" addictive. I caught the movie on TV and wwas baffled at how lightly it was approached.

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  6. You poor soul. Think of all the precious hours that you've wasted hating on Ms. Strayed for being human - hours you'll never get back. You've turned your resentment into a colossal waste of time. I feel bad for you.

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    1. I feel bad for you, you can't see what a wonderful piece of writing this blog is.

      "Think of all the precious hours that you've wasted hating on Ms. Strayed for being human " You mean for being a liar.

      I love this blog so much I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

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    2. "You poor soul. Think of all the precious hours that you've wasted hating on Ms. Strayed for being human - hours you'll never get back. You've turned your resentment into a colossal waste of time. I feel bad for you."

      Just read that simpering condescension. Here's an idea - why don't you go duplicate "Ms. Strayed's" fictitious trek along the PCT? We'll talk again when you radio for help, if you don't die after 12 miles. Fucking bologna-molestor.

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    3. i adore you Mercer Creed. I'm trying to talk to Eric (Cali) about maybe adapting this into a book. We should add a bonus chapter of you me and destictng the comment nad trying to figure out which people are really just Chery Strayed in Drag

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